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Help - 11/20/2009 12:48:55 PM
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Godistheanswer
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My husband just dont know how to be the head of the house he depends on me alot and I feel that I am the head of the house and thats not biblically correct I try to tell him things that are right and wrong and then he tells me I am treating him like one of the kids. I went into this marriage knowing there was I lot of issues but I do believe in prayer and I know that God can change things. We have recently separated and he keeps telling me that I am his soul mate and he cant live without me but in the mean time I see him as this not a christ like person. Please help me and give me some advise
< Message edited by Godistheanswer -- 11/20/2009 12:56:11 PM >
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 12:52:59 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7406
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Why have you separated?
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"What Manda said; well-stated and wise. Just tell people the truth." deermousie, September 2010
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:18:54 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
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Ditto what Manda said.
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:22:40 PM
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Godistheanswer
Posts: 8
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My husband lost his job and bills were getting behind and I felt he wasnt being the man that he needed to be so I told him and next thing I knew he left for a few days to go stay with family
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:27:53 PM
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laura...
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First, stop worrying about who is or isn't supposed to be the head of the household. (There is no verse in the bible that says, "head of household". You can read the thread Men/Women roles in the home - One Stop Thread for more info on that debate.)
Follow the most useful verse in the bible for marriages: "In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12
Do you want to be treated like an adult? Treat your husband like an adult.
< Message edited by laura... -- 11/20/2009 1:35:55 PM >
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:28:44 PM
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Godistheanswer
Posts: 8
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To answer your question he is a druggie he not abusive nor is he an adulterer he just to me needs to grow up and take responsibility
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:30:35 PM
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laura...
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godistheanswer
To answer your question he is a druggie he not abusive nor is he an adulterer he just to me needs to grow up and take responsibility
He is a druggie?
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:49:23 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
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Do be careful. My husbands former wife spent 23 yeasrs trying to change him and to make him into this person that SHE thought HE needed to be.It made for a very unhappy marriage and she treated him like a child, bossed him aorund. told him what to do all the time and treated him with total disrestpect.
If your husband has been made redundant he already feels bad enough and does NOT need to be told that there isnt enough money, he KNOWS that, but as long as he is looking for work what do you expect him to do? A man needs respect like a women needs love. Respect him, encourage him and you will see a big change.
Every time my husband tried to be the head, his ex criticised him as it wasnt being done the way she wanted, so in the end he gave up.Sad.
Step back, be his wife but not the head. Give him the space and opportunity to be the head. It may take time but men cannot lead if their wives wont let them. My hsuband is the brilliant head of our family but I do have to be careful not to take his space and take over his godly role. All he needed was a woman who respected him and believed in him and he is a very godly leader., husband and step dad.
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 1:58:34 PM
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Godistheanswer
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Thank you herestoresmysoul....And just in all that the holy spirit has enlightened me on a lot...Thanks again
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 2:23:29 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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quote:
My husband lost his job and bills were getting behind and I felt he wasnt being the man that he needed to be so I told him and next thing I knew he left for a few days to go stay with family
So, he lost his job and couldn't find work, or is he lazy?
And during this time, what were you doing to be his helpmate? If you believe in strict male/female roles, *you* have some responsibilities too. Some of them include building up your husband, giving helpful comments rather than "You're not man enough for me", loving him even in the hard times, and so on. After saying what you did, are you really surprised that he left??? If he thinks you already think he's worthless and not a man, does he have any motivation to even try to become a better man?
You need to determine (with logic and rational thought) whether he is a lazy good-for-nothing bum, or a genuinely good man. If he is a good man, you need to learn how to live with him peacefully, and solving problems without nagging, berating, or criticizing.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Help - 11/20/2009 3:06:26 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 80
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I know exactly what you mean. I've only been married for a little over a year and immediately I had the same issues with dh that you are having. I felt like he was irresponsible, not being the spiritual leader, and anything else I could come up with.
We started marriage counseling a few months ago and I said to the counselor that he does not know how to lead and I feel like his mother. I actually posted about that because I had no clue how to communicate my feelings and didn't think I said anything wrong but the good folks here were great with suggestions and support.
Things started to change when I began changing how I spoke to and acted towards him. If I felt that he was not keeping up with his responsibilities (his dogs, paying bills, etc.) I would gently remind him ONCE and then drop it.
Things aren't perfect yet but we are getting there - still trying to get used to being married. We both got married for the first time at 47 and it's hard for an old dog to learn new tricks.
Blessings,
Fran
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RE: Help - 11/21/2009 1:18:15 PM
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fosco_bunce
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thank you for posting Godistheanswer
My family of origin that is the role that my mother had. I can't say it was the only reason it drove my father to drink, but I know it lowered his self esteem as a man and drove him further into drinking. Taking that
role as leader in the house she always planned holiday events and my dad didn't feel even part of the family.
It effected all of us kids, her being dominant, we didn't see a strong manly role from him.
I thank God that my wife doesn't play that role in my marriage. Even though I have addictive tendancies and I am in recovery, she respects my decisions and we both make decisions together as well. That in it self gives me good self esteem and I believe it is helping my children as role model in my family. I personally would feel very hurt if I was treated in the ways you just described.
I do not suggest things when I post, I will share my own experience. I believe God will guide you if you want to listen to him and your heart.
Whether he is an addict or not should not have anything to do with your role as you feel God is leading you.
You should ask him to what God wants you to do. If you were into recovery, like alonon is needed for the alcoholic, it might help you and your children if you are open to the program. I have seen many in my years of meetings, that many spouses know when they are helping or hurting their spouse by enabling them farther in their disease or help them out of their disease.
My first impression, which may not be true is some of your reactions were not out of love for him, but
out of your own preservation or needs.
Take what you need, and leave the rest
IMHO
James
_____________________________
F.R.O.G
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RE: Help - 11/28/2009 9:43:34 PM
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timbo4
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Joined: 11/11/2009
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A husband is to follow in the "footsteps" of Jesus Christ, who took the lead in directing his apostles with love.(1 Pet 2:21) The taking of drugs shows a selfish and self-centered view, one that will decimate a family. The money that should be used to buy food and other necessities is spent on his immoral drug habit.
According to the Bible, “the head of a woman is the man.” (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) Headship is a fundamental arrangement that God uses to maintain universal order. Everyone other than God himself is accountable to someone. Men are subject to Christ, children are subject to their parents, and all Christians are subject to governments. Even Jesus is subject to God.—Romans 13:1; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 15:28; Ephesians 6:1.
How can family heads imitate Christ’s qualities? A responsible head shows concern for his family’s physical and spiritual welfare. He puts himself out by giving appropriate time and attention to their individual and collective needs. The interests of his mate and children come before his own. (1 Corinthians 10:24; Philippians 2:4) By applying Bible principles and teachings in his daily life, the husband wins the respect and support of his wife and children. Under his loving headship, their joint efforts in coping with any problems can be successful. By thus exercising his headship in a Scriptural way, the husband is building a happy family, one that functions to God’s glory and praise.
A wise head is also humble. When necessary, he will freely apologize, even though he may find it difficult to admit that he was wrong. The Bible says that there is salvation “in the multitude of counselors.” (Proverbs 24:6) Yes, humility will also motivate a family head to listen to and actively seek the opinion of his wife and children when appropriate. By imitating Jesus, a Christian head will ensure that his headship not only brings happiness and security to his family but also honors and glorifies the Originator of families, Jehovah God.—Ephesians 3:14, 15.
< Message edited by timbo4 -- 11/28/2009 9:51:34 PM >
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RE: Help - 11/28/2009 10:08:25 PM
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ForEternity
Posts: 298
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I learnt at my Liberty course that 'head of household' is for tax purposes. Being the spiritual leader of the home is an entirely different business. I would think it could be found out before getting married whether a man is inclined or not. The best thing one can do is accepting their spouse as they are, especially when they tell them how much they love and think that they had found their soulmate for life. It's easy to say it before marriage or early in the marriage, but unfortunately it becomes more rare over the years. A man like that is a jewel for the wife, even if he is an addict who can be cured. So many women would be over the moon if their husband would put those things into words and show them like that. It's cruel to push him away thinking he is nowhere near what he "should" be. I would delete the word "should" from my vocabulary entirely. Actually, God had blessed so many marriages where the wife became the leader for all sort of reasons. My cousin and his wife have one of those marriages, the wife is the leader because she is the breadwinner, much higher educated and cultivates family life better than my cousin. It just happens, I really don't think God has any problems with that as long as the marriage works.
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