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How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 11:37:47 AM
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justjake
Posts: 14
Joined: 8/6/2009
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This will be long, so bear with me.
Some of you may have read a post I made about a week ago about a friend of mine who confronted me and said that I was self centered and that for our relationship to grow to the place where we wanted it to, i needed to address it. Though angry at first, I came to realize he was right and have been praying about this and trying my best to change it.
Here's my dilemna.. upon praying, I have started to see that everything with our relationship may not be my fault. I sort of feel that my friend is incredibly flakey, and on many occasions I would get angry but would just internalize everything as "I should be better" and would never confront his behaviour because I was too afraid of what he would think of me and that I'd be labeled as selfish.. (Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I presume.) I feel that he will often make promises, but then forget or show up late to what he says he will do. There are many times I feel he will say one thing to me, but his actions and behaviour communicate something totally different to me - to which I've always assumed I had done something to irritate him and would try to figure out why he didn't want to be around me. etc...
Example 1 - I had asked this friend to do some personal training for me (he's an instructor.). I asked him what time he had available that would work for him, to which he told me 7:00 AM on wednesdays. I trained with him for about 8 weeks, and without fail at every session he would be late and we would have to hurry through sessions that I was paying the gym for. (I specifically wanted him to train me so he could get money for it, as he kept complaining about not making enough and he wouldn't let me pay him directly) After all these weeks, he tells me in the middle of a session that he is probably going to take another job and that it would be his last week of training... no heads up or anything. Being christians, I was very conflicted because on the one hand I felt like I should be understanding and happy for him, but at the same time pretty upset because I felt like he was just backing out on his word. The reason I never said anything is because I was afraid of being told I was selfish (that self-centeredness coming through.)
Example 2 - About a month ago, we were at our Youth Service for the youth group. (He was made director of the program, and I have been supporting him... or trying to, at least.) I had communicated numerous times that we needed to start making a run sheet for the day.. ie, when everything would be set up, when practice would be, etc, so that everything would run smoothly and without stress. My friend made a schedule that we were to follow and told me they were going to set up all the sound stuff the day before so that I could come in and set up the stage and we could do band practice early. When we got to the church that day, this never happened. The sound system had never been set up, I found myself helping the kid who is supposed to know the system (I'm not a sound tech) work out yet ANOTHER bug that keeps the system from working correctly while my friend is nowhere to be found.. presumably in the offices printing out his sermon, which took him around 20-30 minutes. I then had to scramble to get the stage set up after practice and went into the youth service annoyed, frazzled, and anxious. I apologized to the youth kid because my annoyance was coming out and I was getting short with him and ended up walking away from the service feeling like a failure because of it.
I awknowledge and understand I've been self-centered to a degree, but I'm wondering how much of the "what about me" feelings have been instigated by my friend's flakeyness. I'm not pointing fingers or abdicating my responsibility to grow, however I feel that my approach toward our relationship in the past has been to give in so as to not risk losing the relationship. I often find myself feeling as though because I'm his good friend, it's ok for him to be this way with me and that if I have a problem with it then I am being self-centered. I want to confront it, because his flakeyness is unacceptable, but I'm afraid that it's going to be misconstrued and I'll be told I need to be more "flexible" and quit making it about me. (It may not be, but it's hard to say at this point.)
How should I handle this? Am i even viewing this right, or am I being selfish?
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 11:47:37 AM
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Elena1030
Posts: 3129
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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I don't think you're being selfish.
Next time something happens, confront your friend. Be calm, of course, but be honest. Tell him how you feel when he is late or changes plans without giving you enough prior warning. Explain that you feel that your time isn't being respected -- and it's just as valuable as his is. And that you feel that he would rather not spend time with you -- that you feel that's what his actions are conveying to you, even if that's not what he means.
Don't deal then with the issue of it being a pattern. First give him a chance to correct his behavior. (Although one could argue that he should know better, maybe no one's confronted him on it before.)
Perhaps you could also ask him to give you feedback about how you handle things in the future.
Basically, hit the reset button on your friendship, and determine to not hold your friend's past behavior against him. And also purpose to handle things differently from how you did in the past. For there to be growth, there must be more honesty on both of your ends.
Hope that helps! 
_____________________________
"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 2:28:49 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1014
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Your friend is very flaky and it's ironic he blames you for what has happened.
7AM personal training and he was late every time? Who is he kidding? This isn't friendship, this is BUSINESS. You paid him good money for him to arrive on time. Once or twice, that's one thing; but every time?
You should confront him lovingly but firmly. He is fortunate you're at least willing to give him a chance.
The last really flaky "friend" I had committed social gaffe after social gaffe over a period of time. Had he been open-minded enough for me to confront him, I would have. The man is stubborn as a mule and too proud for my taste.
Needless to say, this person has been out of my life for over a year and I do not even consider him a friend anymore.
Confront him in love, but don't back down when you are right. He committed acts lacking courtesy and he's blind to it.
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 3:06:02 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 911
Joined: 9/4/2009
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I find it strange that he considers you as a selfish person, yet hasn't removed his own plank of selfishness from his own eye.
Maybe it is just me, but I see it as a red flag that he expects you to change, yet he has not even considered that he himself is imperfect.
I find it manipulative that he took advantage of your generousity during his employment and reliquished on a business deal. Frankly I would have complained and had the gym reimburse me for his tardiness, because certainly he would not have done that to a stranger.
Did you realize you would be the layman for his ministry, so he could bow out of his responsiblities, knowing you would complete his obligations?
IMHO this already appears one-sided and I would caution you in how you proceed with the relationship.
In these eyes it borders an abusive relationship, "You are selfish," "It's your fault, because----," "You need to change to my likings and acceptance,"
Boy the list can go on if YOU allow it to continue... When you speak with him, speak to him with the knowledge the Lord has shown you. IT Is Not All You!
If he is seeking a mouse ooh excuse me a spouse for the house, he should try Disney Land
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 3:53:52 PM
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justjake
Posts: 14
Joined: 8/6/2009
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Thank you all for your responses..
To answer the first post, yes, I have spoken to him a few times. I talked to him about how what we were doing with the youth wasn't working. IE, not organized. I also told him that I constantly felt out of the loop and never knew what was going on as far as events and the like. I've even spoken to him on the level of our relationship as friends, because I have often times felt that when we are in public he is so extroverted and outgoing with people, yet alone it is difficult to carry on a conversation and he seems disinterested to a degree. We used to be roommates, and he would often come home and want to just shut down, which always made me feel... awkward. Here we both are, in our twenties, and this guy is my best friend and like a brother to me and it often feels like he will shut down around me because I'm safe, but it frustrates me because I feel like he's sending the message that because we have such a close relationship that he doesn't have to put forth any effort with me.
As far as being a layman in his ministry, I had sort of resigned to the fact that it was my lot for now. He was given the position a year or so ago and I had a huge struggle with that for awhile, being as I was passed over for it (enter the self-centered thoughts of "when do I get MY chance.") However, I decided to support him. Any time I talk to him about this stuff, it's like I'm told that it's "in my head" and I've never had any way of refuting it until I started seeing how flakey he was.
The thing is, I don't think he MEANS to be flakey, but he just is and I've never been confident enough to hold my ground. But now, I know I need to talk to him because there's a lot of stuff going on I've just taken out of "understanding" and I can't fix the problems by myself because they don't all lie with me.
Feedback, please. Am I thinking correctly? (I don't mean am I right, but am I thinking logically?)
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 11/19/2009 4:40:15 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 911
Joined: 9/4/2009
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JustJake~
The way I am reading your post is: When around others publically he is an extrovert, yet ignores you. Then when you are both in private arenas he basically shuts you down, ignores you, has no conversation etc...
Then you support this so-called friend in his ministry, because you have an interest in the same field for him to use you and any thought you have is "all in your head,"? Do I have this correct?
Your friend is not just flaky, he is selfish and self-absorbed. He can extend kindness to others, but not to the person who is willing to help support his ministry and help him out?
Again just from these eyes: Let this pharoah go!
If you want to be friend and speak with him, that's fine. However I would not even consider a real relationship with him, because the behavior he is displaying now is how it will be if you marry.
A polite way to put it He is a politician! In public it is just grandious, but at home you will receive, "Get off my back!" if you are lucky
You deserve better and stop investing your time in this lost cause
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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RE: How do I handle this friendship? - 12/6/2009 7:01:26 PM
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Dopii
Posts: 9
Joined: 10/22/2009
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Someone sent me an interesting quote not too long ago, that opened my forty-five-year-old eyes to some serious truth. Unfortunately, I didn't copy the quote at the time, but it went to my heart. The gist of it is that when the Holy Spirit is dealing with you, He is very specific. For example: You just criticized your wife and hurt her feelings. When God deals with you, it's specific: "You just said a cold, unkind thing to your wife. Put away your pride, confess it to God, and then go apologize to your wife." When it's the devil picking on you, you get generalized derision, such as: "You are an unkind person. You are a bad person. How can you claim to be a Christian?"
Hope that helps. It sure helped me.
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