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I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 2:36:18 AM
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skypainter07
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I'd like some input on something that I think is unclear in the Bible. What should a believer do if they have hurt another person's feelings without meaning to? For instance, what if something said is interpreted in a way that it was not intended? In a case where intent has been interpreted incorrectly, are we supposed to apologize?
I am not opposed to admitting a mistake, repenting, asking forgiveness, etc. but do I apologize when I did not have a single mean thought or motive in my words or actions?
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 3:04:51 AM
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kelman
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quote:
ORIGINAL: skypainter07
I'd like some input on something that I think is unclear in the Bible. What should a believer do if they have hurt another person's feelings without meaning to? For instance, what if something said is interpreted in a way that it was not intended? In a case where intent has been interpreted incorrectly, are we supposed to apologize?
I am not opposed to admitting a mistake, repenting, asking forgiveness, etc. but do I apologize when I did not have a single mean thought or motive in my words or actions?
Sometimes, our words or actions can cause hurt feelings to another without us even realizing it.
This reminds of some lyrics to a really beautiful song...
"when I do the best I can and friends misunderstand....Thou who never lost a battle...stand by me".
So, if something I said was misinterpreted, and it often has been, I'd want to set the record straight.
_____________________________
beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 3:48:51 AM
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singpeace
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Yes. By all means, just let your own guard down and apologize genuinely; with the love and heart of Christ.
Tell the person that in your heart you didn't have an ounce of hurtful intent. But let their feelings be validated. Give them what they need. It's what Christ did for us, I guess. He laid his life down. I suppose we are to do the same.
_____________________________
Psalm 123:1 Unto You do I lift up my eyes, O You Who are enthroned in heaven.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 4:49:42 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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Just say that what you said wasnt in any way meant to hurt them, and that if they misinterpretated it that way and felt hurt by it then you are sorry.
No you arent responsible for anothers reactions to an innocent remark, but to stop it festering then speak to them about it.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 5:45:24 AM
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deermousie
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I agree with the others.
As Christians we have the right to defend our good names, so we can explain to others what we meant, but also we can tell them how sorry we are that they were hurt. That doesn't take responsibility for hurting them (because there was no hurtful intent) but your heart feels bad that they felt bad.
It's like weeping with those who weep.
We can and should take responsibility if we communicated unclearly at first, and express our determination to not let that happen again.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 6:54:36 AM
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kd4hvz
Posts: 185
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Matthew 5:23-24
"Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."
The burden in on you to seek reconciliation if you know of someone who has something against you. If you can't reconcile, then go on with life. But Matthew 5 puts the responsibility to seek reconciliation in your hands.
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 10:16:12 AM
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skypainter07
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Thank you all for your replies. There are two difficult and painful relationships in my life where this comes up now and then. In both relationships my spoken or written words are twisted around and taken very, very differently than what they were intended. In both relationships, after this happens I then try to clarify my meaning -- with sincerity and most often with an apology for any hurt feelings. In both relationships it gets even worse when I do this, and they become even more antagonistic than before. It has reached a point where nothing I say is right at all, and I'm always looked at as "the bad guy", the one who started the argument.
In these relationships, one being a sister and one being a daughter-in-law, I am the only Christian. I want to express the love of Christ to them and my heart has always been full of peace whenever I've made contact. I end up being berated and ridiculed and accused of being unkind, unChristian, etc. Unfortunately, right now there is estrangement from the family from my sister and it looks like it is headed that way with my daughter-in-law too(making it very hard for us to have a relationship with our son and granddaughter). Both of these women are emotionally damaged and do have difficulty in other relationships as well. I am heartsick that I can't seem to reach them and have the loving relationship with each that I long for.
I just posted my question to help me see this all in the right way, according to the teachings of the Word. Sometimes life gets so painful that it colors our perspective on what we are doing or saying.
Blessings
< Message edited by skypainter07 -- 11/12/2009 10:23:19 AM >
_____________________________
WORRY IS NOT TRUSTING IN THE PROMISES OF GOD.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 10:32:01 AM
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his_chosen
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Here's a situation I found myself in-- I'm a triathlete. Before a race, we are body marked with our race number, which race (distance, triathlon/duathlon), and age. Because I'm not going for an overall win, I am focused on beating women in my age group (F40-44). In my last half Ironman, I had a terrible swim, so I was trying to make up ground on the bike and run. As luck would have it, I had mechanical issues on the bike. That left chasing down people on the run. I could see a woman in the distance and focused on catching her. It was killing me, but I had to catch her because she might be in my age group. As I caught her, I looked at her body markings-- HT (half tri), okay we're in the same race (there was also a sprint and Olympic race). Then I looked at her age--28. Aw man! I wasn't even racing against her, as she wasn't in my age group. As I passed her I said something to the effect that I had chased her down, she wasn't in my age group, so I didn't have to worry about her anyway. This is something that we all do, it's been said to me many times, so I didnt' think anything of it. In the post-race tent this woman's friend told me that I really did need to watch what I said, that words could really hurt. I was clueless as to what I had even said. She told me that her friend was upset with me saying that I didn't need to worry about her. She took it to mean she wasn't that good of an athlete. Heavens no! That's not waht I meant! I asked her to take me to her friend so I could apologize. I really did feel bad about it!
In this case, this was some random athlete that I probably would never see again. My comment was not intended to hurt her. I know that a lot of it was it was late in the race. We had been racing for 6hrs at that point. Perhaps she was having a bad race and not going to hit her time goal? Maybe she was just tired and ready to be done. I don't know. I do know that my comment hurt her. I did apologize. Honestly, I did feel bad that she mistook my comment.
A month later, we ran into each other at another race. She admitted that she over-reacted about my comment. I told her I'm still careful not to say anything to another athlete during a race. But... during that race, I was "doing battle" with another woman on the bike. As she passed me on a hill, I looked at her body markings. Hey wait--is that a "2" or an "8". She said it was an "8", meaning she was 48, not 42. Phooey! You aren't even in my age group! (I race 40-44). She laughed as I let her go.
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 12:03:32 PM
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kd4hvz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: skypainter07
In both relationships it gets even worse when I do this, and they become even more antagonistic than before. It has reached a point where nothing I say is right at all, and I'm always looked at as "the bad guy", the one who started the argument.
Sometimes, once we have tried to make peace as we are told to do, the fact remains that peace is still not present. In those cases we have done what we can. There is evil in this world and sometimes we just have to acknowledge that it will control situations. For what it's worth, I would encourage you to let God carry the burden of the problem and rest in peace at night knowing that you have done what you could before God. Let God deal with the evil that controls people and their attitudes and such.
Easier said than done, I realize. But from someone who has been there, and still has people who are "out to do me harm", I can say that when I let God take responsibility for the evil actions that are outside my control it freed me to live in peace. I pray that you find that same peace.
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 12:34:37 PM
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Ps103
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I really do think that trying to smooth hurt feelings over when misunderstandings happen is the right thing to do, but as you have discovered, sometimes people *want* to hold on to their hurts.
For these people, you can only pray.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 12:48:03 PM
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skypainter07
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I just read and listened to Romans 12, and it really spoke to my heart.
quote:
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Romans 12:14-17 NLT
I was comforted by this because that is what I've strived for. Even when I've been frustrated or angry for a time over things, I haven't fired back the insults that my flesh wants to hurl back at them. And later in the chapter it talks about returning good for evil, and that is my goal going forward. At the end of the chapter Paul says not to let quote:
"evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." To me, that sounds like what several of you have said today. If I've done all I can humanly do, then I can't let the situation defeat me.
Blessings
_____________________________
WORRY IS NOT TRUSTING IN THE PROMISES OF GOD.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/12/2009 6:41:40 PM
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bolt.
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quote:
then try to clarify my meaning -- with sincerity and most often with an apology for any hurt feelings. In both relationships it gets even worse when I do this
This is where things go sideways, probably. I'd really advise you not to try and clarify. It's unnecessary and self-focused to want to make sure your message is clear in the end. Simply make an easy open statement that says,
"Boy, with what you thought I said, no wonder that hurt. Something like that would hurt anybody! I wish you hadn't been hurt by taking it that way. It certainly wasn't what I meant to say, and I genuinely don't believe that I said or implied most of what you are taking to heart... but I can see how you got what you thought out of some of what I was saying. Anyhow, I'm sorry for my careless phrasing, I'm sorry I hurt you by that. Words are really powerful and I should be more careful. And I'm most sorry for what we now have to get over. What can I do that might help you?"
Of course, that works for a fresh wound. I don't know how much good it will do in a festering situation.
(And I would advise you to consider the power of careless and unclear words... If two of your close relationships suffer from this problem, perhaps there is some value in assessing your own communication style.)
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/18/2009 6:24:22 PM
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skypainter07
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quote:
And I would advise you to consider the power of careless and unclear words... If two of your close relationships suffer from this problem, perhaps there is some value in assessing your own communication style.)
A good point, but on the contrary, my words have not been careless and unclear. I have poured my heart out in prayer regarding communication involved in both relationships. I have also checked with wise counsel often (spouse and other family members) and have even waited to "sleep on it" after writing or making contact. Yes, there is more than one relationship in my life that this has occurred, but at the same time I am confident that I have not been careless or unclear in either case, and I have support in that by the people I've mentioned.
I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and apologies are not uncommon for me to offer when I'm in the wrong. Making and keeping friends has never been difficult for me either, and I do have several close relationships. Feedback given to me by others (both personal and professional) on my communication skills over the years has always been the same. I've been told consistently over the years that I come across clearly, thoughtfully and with sincerity. Despite this, the individuals from the two difficult relationships in my life have repeatedly twisted words and meanings around, hurled insults at me and made mean spirited accusations that were completely uncalled for.
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I appreciate all that has been shared.
< Message edited by skypainter07 -- 11/18/2009 9:08:51 PM >
_____________________________
WORRY IS NOT TRUSTING IN THE PROMISES OF GOD.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/19/2009 6:52:29 AM
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mbgb
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I can't think of the verse and tried to look it up but no luck. I remember reading about this in my Bible years ago. It said to apologize for any wrong-doing, even if you do not feel you've done any wrong so that no man will be able to say anything bad about you. ...something like that.
I personally did this often when I was younger. Sometimes it got too difficult because the other person was not interested in admitting their faults at all, and just accepted my apology but never really forgave me. In that case, I think you just have to give the whole situation over to God, because I didn't understand what to do next. I also had to separate myself from this person because they hurt me so badly with their careless ways. Anyway, just advice to beware. Apologize once, that's all you need to do. If they don't act any different, just realize there's nothing more that you can do and give it to God and move on.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/19/2009 11:17:39 AM
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skypainter07
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mbgb
I can't think of the verse and tried to look it up but no luck. I remember reading about this in my Bible years ago. It said to apologize for any wrong-doing, even if you do not feel you've done any wrong so that no man will be able to say anything bad about you. ...something like that.
I personally did this often when I was younger. Sometimes it got too difficult because the other person was not interested in admitting their faults at all, and just accepted my apology but never really forgave me. In that case, I think you just have to give the whole situation over to God, because I didn't understand what to do next. I also had to separate myself from this person because they hurt me so badly with their careless ways. Anyway, just advice to beware. Apologize once, that's all you need to do. If they don't act any different, just realize there's nothing more that you can do and give it to God and move on.
Thanks for your comments mbgb. This is what I have done exactly. My op was just double checking to make sure I haven't missed something that the scriptures might point to. It has been painful to let go in both cases, but in the end I realize that only God can open their hearts to love and truth.
_____________________________
WORRY IS NOT TRUSTING IN THE PROMISES OF GOD.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/23/2009 5:49:13 PM
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silent12
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I tend to get my words jumbled up and seem to endlessly say things which I think are perfectly decent and other people seem to find them upsetting. I generally appologise and explain that I meant well.
For a time my sister and I didn't get along because I said that I would pray for her; she and her husband were thinking about seperating and she was feeling down about it because they both still loved each other. She took this to mean that I was praying for her and not her husband and therefore I didn't like her husband. All i meant was that I would pray for the situation to resolve itself. I appologised and explained that it wasn't meant to be a pointed comment and we are now back to being friendly (after 11 months). I think that in my sisters case she was just on edge and twisted my words because she felt unsure about the situation. She never appologised for being rude to me over that time and I just had to accept that she was having a hard time and that I loved her and that I can't change what she does, only what I do.
Hope the situation sorts itself out.
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RE: I've wondered about this and have to ask - 11/27/2009 3:10:02 PM
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ForEternity
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I'm often misunderstood because I'm not the greatest for words, so people sometimes get offended without me meaning to cause harm. I like to apologize in every case whether it's my 'fault' or the person's 'interpretation' and rephrase what I said. If the person wants to hold grudges for perceived or real hurt feelings, IMO it's their problem, the best course of action is prayer and checking my heart with the Lord. His opinion is the most important.
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