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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/13/2009 1:19:43 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
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So this guy has two kids and one on the way?
Is he divorced or in the process or?
Did I see that he is still living with his wife ex/wife?
You can not stop your wife from committing this sin.
I pray she shows up at counseling today, but I would not be surprised that she comes up with some excuse and backs out.
I’ll be praying for you, but I think you are going to have to give her space; you can’t chase someone into staying. Sounds like this guy is looking for a babysitter…
I think further contact with him would be fruitless; it seems obvious he has one person’s interests in mind, his own.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/13/2009 10:19:24 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Well, she went back and forth about going, but did go to the counseling. I let him talk to her the most. He asked all the right questions. She had already decided to take a week away at her sisters, but the counselor convinced her that we should both take the week and think about things that the other needs to work on and make a list. He said leaving one person for a nother is never right. It is just replacing one for another. And the Love that she feels for the other guy is just an ideal love that is imaginary. Keep in mind that she has not even spent any time alone with the guy. She just kept wanting to and texting and facebooking with him jokes. That is the whole reason that I did not think that it was real. She just remembers how he was in high school when she was dating me. Anyway, she told me that she did not agree with everything he said but she is giving us what he asked. He said after the week we will meet him again and he can recomend a counselor for each of us to work on our own issues. Then after that, we can show eachother how we improved and see if it can work. He was suggesting three months at least to work together.
I think that living apart will be hard on me and good on her. She feels controlled by me, because I do too much with her and didn't like it when she went out with her girlfriend to drink. It was fine if she just went to dinner. I just am weary of what goes on in bars when she stays out till 11 or 12 and she normally goes to bed at 9 or 10. I suppose I was partially jelous when she did that because I would not do that to her, but I don't really have any friends that do that either. As I may have said before I don't drink, but can have one if she is, but don't like it. I guess I found something We both need to work on.
I know can't change her if she still wants out, but I can say why I don't care for things to show her that I am working with what he said. She said she would do what he said, but I do not know if she can cut off the contact with him. The counselor said that if she is taking a break she needs to do it from both of us. She told me afterward that she does care for me and that we don't have to stop talking to eachother just as long as I don't annoy her in her space. She was very caring then. I guess it turned out better than I expected since she will work on us. I will see if she feels the same tomorrow.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/14/2009 10:34:30 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
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I guess it did not even make it to the evening!!! Now I am very upset. I am not going to speak to her even if she calls me, until the next counseling session. I sent her a text last night that was a joke since that is what she likes with him. She responded well with a nother joke about it. Then I found out there was a game where he works, that we used to get tickets from him to go. So I made a joke about her taking her friend to the game. She never responded. So when the game was over, I called and she did not answer. I assumed it was because she did not like my joke or it was too noisey if she was at the game. I thought for a moment about going to see if she was at the afterparty at the bar he likes, but that would not be a good Idea. Anyway, she did not do her usual update at the very early time when she gets to work thismorning. That probably ment she did not go in early. He ended up posting that he had a great time with friends, but was a little sleep deprived. That means to him at least 2:00 if not later or he hung out with someone all night. He would do that when he came over to our house before this all started. Anyway, I texted a few things to her and asked if we could talk. Then she called me a bit later. I started out asking how she was and how her evening went. She told me her friend decided she did not want to come over since she lives across town. Then she admitted he called her last minute and asked if she wanted to go to the game and he could be there in 10 to pick her up. So of course she went and even rode with him. So, he must go in early too, so they had that time, and they went to the bar afterward late or just hung out late. She said his coworkers were there and even his wife since she works with him sometimes. I can even say that I am angry now. I was just upset before. But writing that just now somehow made the anger slip away. Talking with her got me upset, and I told her how it hurt me and that I would never have done that to her. She said that she just went as a friend and nothing happened. But to her, hugging is nothing. She said she would not see him again, but I told her I did not believe her. Of course she must have ment this week while we work on things. I am to the point of saying if she wants space, she is going to have to take it at home with me nearby. I said in the meeting that I can give her space, but I did not think she could cut things off with him just like that. I guess I need to be more positive with her and show that I can trust her and see if that helps her self confidence enough to tell him no at least for now. I wonder if she would miss me if I did not talk to her. She had the nerve to say she cares and did not want to hurt me. She acts like she still wants to work on things, but still does not know what she wants. The counselor said that he tought that some of this is because she wants to get back some of the youth that she lost by taking care of her mother all those years. He did not believe the same **** I did not believe. That there was nothing there between us over 6 years ago. That she just went along with it because it was fine and she did not have reason to change. And that she married me because it was the next step even though she did not feel ready for it. She did it for her mother. Well, she may have felt part of that, but the counselor said he did not believe it. I guess now I remember that she told me before that she was not sure about us, but that she could not see hurting me. I have a bad memory and somethings like that I try not to dwell on, so I forget sometimes. We should have been in counseling a long time ago, but I did not know what we could do or what she did not like about me. Thats the story update. Thanks for the comments and sorry this is so long with bad writing, but it gets the truth out and maybe makes me feel a bit better.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/14/2009 11:01:25 AM
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flygirl96
Posts: 13
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If I were you I would back off. She needs to find out for herself what you mean to her. IF you can try and not call her and let her make the next move I think that would be good. I can't imagine being in your shoes and I feel for you.
I think that if you leave her alone maybe she will start wondering where you are and what you are doing. Act like you can have a life also. It sickens me really how a person can take us from feeling on top of the world to making us feel like we don't matter and make us feel so down about ourselves.
Where is she staying? Does your family and her family know this is going on?
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/14/2009 1:27:53 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
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She is staying with her sister. I talked with her brother who tells me he thinks she is being stupid. I doubt he would want to get involved to the point of letting her stay with him. She is staying with her sister, who just wants her to be happy, but thinks this is messed up. She is getting upset with the way she acts around her. She did not stop her from going out with him, but did not want him in the house. I do not know if she can keep that up though. Her sister apparently had to stay up until 2:30 after the bars closed to let her in the house. So it was not just as a friend when the game ended between 9:30 to 10:30. I have decided not to talk to her, but he sent another love song off youtube to her facebook page. I know that leaving her alone is what she wants, so she can do what she wants. I guess I will have to see if she will miss me, or make herself a lier again and see him instead. She said she wasn't going to. I am not going to talk to her at all. She called me and left a message about my dog I picked up. She took both dogs monday and aparently took the food. They are small and we had a self feeding dish. So the dog did not have but a few treats last night, and is at home with nothing today. I feel bad, but we both work about a 25-30 minute drive from home. I will leave a bit early to get food for her.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 8:47:02 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
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Perhaps it will change but at this point I think your wife is telling you she cares and does not want to hurt you to help her alleviate some of the guilt from her affair.
She knows what she is doing is wrong; she just does not care enough to stop, at least for now.
Try and step back and look at the situation, you can’t keep your wife close to keep her from seeing him, and neither can her sister, she has to stop on her own. Sounds like your wife has been lying to you for some time now, I agree with giving her some time. Work on the issues you know you have, find a Church you like and start going, this Sunday.
I know this is not easy, pray.
You have my prayers.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 11:04:25 AM
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dianemccrary
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I have been reading your post for awhile now but haven't never commented. I don't really have any advice for you that hasn't already been said. I do feel from what you have said that is going on that it very wrong what your wife is doing. It seems she gotten lost in what marriage is unless she never knew from the start and just went with the program. It seems she does enjoy flaunting her crush on this guy in front of you and has no care on how you feel. It seems the best thing to do right now is focus on yourself in getting closer to God,getting in a good bible believing church,reading your bible,pray,fast and decide not be so available to put up with your wife running over you in her flaunting. I will be praying for you and your wife.God Bless.
_____________________________
" Your Life Is In The Hands Of My Lord"
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 2:05:51 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 36
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Not talking to her or contacting her in any way is exactly the right thing to do. She is enjoying this fling and she is enjoying the feeling of being wanted by both men. Unless there is full repentance don't give her the time of day Mpen. Let her feel the loss of you and let her realize that you aren't her little puppy that is going to jump up and run to her every time she calls your name. Hang in there and don't give her any power over you.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 8:04:48 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
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I am having a real hard time trying not to contact her. It is jelousy plain and simple and I know it, but it is taking me over. I pray and pray about it. Knowing that he is flaunting this in front of me on Facebook, is eating me up. He just leaves little comments about his new truck and how it would be better with a beautiful girl in a seat. Then he sends those love songs from youtube to her facebook page. They have actually slowed that stuff down. But today when I talked to her about some 47 in tv he said he was buying, she said he wanted to give it to her because he couldn't keep it at home with his wife still there. Again he is still with her until she gets another job with insurance for their unborn baby. She said she was not going to accept it and then found out later he said it was for his buisness and put it in his basement. I have never seen the basement, but I thought it was unfinished and about 6 foot tall. I don't see that happening. Again, it always feels better to get these things out on here, so sorry if it bothers anybody.
Another thing, I hate text messaging. I really hate it, because it never seems personal to me. She tells me that she is real busy at work and doesn't have the time to text me back usually. Plus she doesn't know what to say. I try to send jokes or short messages, but when she doesn't respond, it irritates me. Not because she didn't respond, but because she texts with him all day, less than 15 minutes apart, and always has a few words for him. She texts more back to him than he does to her. I pay the bill, so I can see the message to and from and when they were sent, but not what was said. By the way, her last message to and from him the day of the game was at 4:59. The game started at 7 that day and they would have been their before everything. Technically she could have done anything because he has a large office in the basement shared with one person. Since she said she was not going to see him again, (I assume till the next session tuesday) I think she got enough from their meeting to last. Well especially since the place closes at 2am and it takes about a half an hour for people to leave. Then her sister sent her a text at 2:54 so she was not home yet then. Ok, so now I do not believe anything she says anymore. I still can't help loving her and being so jelous. I guess people say that you want what you can't have, so maybe that is part of it. I just was so confident and trusting in heer that this would never happen. I have too be strong and not talk to her, but it is so hard to do because I miss talking to her. I thought that I could tell her anything before and I really don't have any close friends but a guy that is older than me that has had a lot of hard times, and is not a strong Christian if he even considers himself one. He would go with my parents to church when they bring him.
There is another game Friday, so I found a diner club that has dancing and a piano or band that night. I think it may be a bar type club, but I know no other place, but the place we learned our dancing, and she probably would not want to go there. I texted her and asked if she would go out to a place I found Friday for a couple hours. and she said maybe. I don't like that answer, but its a start. I know I am supposed to give her space and ignore her right now, but if I can keep her away from him then, I think it would be better. I am not sure either way though. Also, if I can show her a good time with me, maybe that could help some. I just hope the place turns out alright and she does not tell him. Although that would give me something to post, but I am not petty like they are. He sends her public posts of love songs. I sent one private and one above his. I am just distraut and afraid of loosing her, especially to him. I pray to be strong and thank you for yours.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 8:28:29 PM
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rofaith
Posts: 22
Joined: 1/17/2008
From: rofaith, a believer
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quote:
I know it is weird. I just still love her
Most men, including myself before I got a divorce 11 years ago, are terrified of being alone. In addition, they are in love with being in love, yet tell themselves they love the object of their addiction to the relationship....
food for thought... IMHO, she has already emotionally divorced you..... try the counseling.... I am hoping it works for you.
_____________________________
There is no other name....
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/15/2009 9:04:04 PM
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mrsselig
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hi. i have read your postings, with love and compassion. i am probably older than you and your wife , 45. i think your wife loves you, but IS unfulfilled herSELF. she cannot be happy with who SHE really is. and it is easier to blame YOU than to look in the mirror and blame herSELF. in my opinion, she may be thinking yes, the grass IS GREENER on the other side. if she is in the 'grip' of a new attraction, infatuation, whatever one wants to call it. . .the fact is. . . it is an ESCAPE from the problems and the reality of HER-SELF. you sound like you sincerely love her. you are committed to her and to your marriage. pray for the RESTORATION and RECONCILIATON of your marriage. check out some links for marriage restoration. read your Bible. Whom God has joined together, let NO MAN PUT ASUNDER. you love your wife? STAND for your marriage. pray with faith. show love to her. . . but yes, all women want a MAN. so tell her. i love you too MUCH to share you with anyone. you are my wife. my own. my lover. my best friend. my everything. what can we do, what can i do. . . . to make us work, better!? don't hide from her, but don't entertain her boyfriend(s) either (note. that is not 'advice" ) it is rather, support. . because as a woman of 45 who has BEEN around the block a few times. . . hey. . . . this woman has a PRINCE and she does not KNOW it. i think she is being naive and stupid. maybe spoiled. not sure. but. pray. on your knees. repent of any sins you may have. . .tell God you want to live your life with your wife by your side and you want to know how to cherish her. and ask Him to restore her to you, to reconciliate you together. God wants good things for you! marriage is a good thing. not to be taken lightly. it is NOT like changing clothes, to change partners. i will pray for you. open up your Bible, get down on your knees, and pray. What you ask will be given to you. . . God gives us truth. and promises. check back in. let us know . . . .! your Christian sister. .. .
_____________________________
all posts my humble opinion only
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 8:59:16 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Thank you for your support. I talked with her this morning. She told me yesterday that she would talk to me later. I should have known something else happened when she did not call me or answer a text or my call. She did not want to tell me she went out to dinner with him at champs. She said she cannot stay away from him. That she loves him and that she did not want to lie to me. I said she did already and she said, "when?". When she said after the last time that she would not see him. Then she says he is working all weekend and she would not be seeing him anyway. I wrote her a message about respect last night. I told her that I know a lot of our problems came down to that. I know she did not respect me anymore and I did not treat her with enough respect. I smothered her with too much affection, did not leave her alone. In the evenings I was always afraid she would disapear off to bed to listen to her music in stead of spending a little time with me after dinner. So, when she got up, I unintentionally learned to ask her what she was doing, or I got up to talk to her as she walked out of the room. Sometimes she would just go to the restroom, but then she would go to bed. We would finish eating, watch one show, and not talk very much.
I guess it must be over now. I thought we were going to work on us and she lied about that too. She used me again. The space was for them, not for her. She says she doesn't like hurting me and that she thinks I will hate her forever. I will hate the way she treated me and the way she is leaving me, but I will always love and miss her the way she used to be. I don't think that I can get through this by myself. I was on my way home after I found out they went to the game together. She would not talk to me. Halfway home, after a snowstorm, I was finally letting it out after being at work. I just wanted to be somewhere comfortable, but could not go to my parents right then. It took me two hours to get home, with stopping to look for dog food because she took it for her dog and I got mine back the night before. The traffic did not help me at all. I was a mess. Crying for Gods help for me to get through it all, but mostly for him to end the suffering. I don't know how to let go, because it hurts too much. I cannot bear to think about them together even just for a look. I could still drive through the tears. I forced myself to go home in stead of straight to her. I finally got a hold of her and she sounded reserved, and held back. She did not care enough to comfort me for what she did. I was upset and and lying on the floor, but that was nothing to her, but bothersome.
I was looking for a book the counselor recomended last night that I knew we had. I bought one for her, but thought I could find ours. I looked through some boxes and found an old journal of hers. She never wrote very much in them, just a few pages and then gave up. This one had a sad note at the front and then went into a few dated entries. The first was a cousins wedding just before ours. She was reserved about marrying me and thought that I was not acting like an adult yet. She wished I was more manly and confident so she would be more comfortable with our wedding. She did not think she was perfect, but it was time to play wife and mean it, If I can be a husband. The next was the day of the wedding, about some dream and a friend of hers dating some guy she just met. She was talking about how her friend just broke up and how if we broke up, the last thing she would want is another relationship. She wrote: "She was too lazy to look for one, and if love finds me, it finds me. Thats pretty much how its been." Then she wrote that she could never make the first move even if she felt something for somebody. There was a bit more to that. The next entry was not dated, but was from a different pen. I will right it out because it tells me how she really felt from the start, how she went into this marriage, and how my letting her down pushed her over the edge. I just don't understand why she did not think she could talk to me about it. We argued once and she talked some about it afterward, but never again.
"If I am such a good person, why don't I feel so good? I am in love with a person I cannot even pretend I like because it would be wrong. Do they feel the same way? I don't think ... "
It looks as though the ink ran out and she traced over the last word several times. The person she is speaking of is the same person she wants now. I made the mistake of not seing it then. I know she wrote this because she saw him around the time of writing that. It was around our wedding I think and unfortunately I chose him as my BEST MAN.
I don't think I ever had her heart now. She said that she loved me at the start of our relationship, when we were dating. I thought that I could get that back for her. Now... I understand how and why she was somewhat researved from me on our honeymoon. I had saved money and got us a rear balcony on a cruise of the Bahamas. She seemed to have fun during the day, but would not want to do anything at night on the ship, when there were shows and many bars with dance areas and a piano bar. We studied dancing for our wedding dance (her Idea) and we only tried the disco club briefly and that was it. Not to be too personal, but I don't remember making love but maybe twice on the cruise ship and the rest of the time she went to bed. I think she must have been depressed and regretting now that I look back.
She told me today that I was the one that wanted to work on us and that she did not. I need to remind her that she said she would not do anything while we are married and get her to date me as well. She is not sure about going out tonight, because she said she is sick feeling now. She has a sore throat and a cold.
If I can show her that I respect her and give her time, even if she is dating him, maybe she can fall back in love with me. Except for the respect part, that is what she told me last Saturday. I can only hope it is true, because I cannot stop her, but she cannot stop herself. If she falls back ing love with me, it will be the same. She does not know what she wants, but that she loves us both and in love with him. Sorry it is long again.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 10:19:22 AM
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dianemccrary
Posts: 17
Joined: 7/22/2008
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Mpen I just want to say I am so sorry that you hurting! I know it hard to let go and it hard to keep loving someone who doesn't return that love. There seems to be nothing you can do even if she dates you that gonna make her choose you over this other man. All you can do is get focused on God!! Pray,Fast, Read your Bible,and trust and hold to God!!! God the only one who can change this woman's heart if her heart is willing!! I will continue to keep praying for you as well as your wife. May God Bless
_____________________________
" Your Life Is In The Hands Of My Lord"
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 10:41:08 AM
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flygirl96
Posts: 13
Joined: 1/2/2009
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My dear friend. I can't imagine what your going through. I want to tell you to stop looking at those things that are eating you up but I know that is hard to do but if you can you need to stop for your own good. YOu sound like a great guy. She sounds like she doesn't know what the heck she wants but she thinks it is this other guy who is married and having a child very soon. What kind of people do that to their spouses? I promise you if they end up together it will not be for very long.
I wish I could help you more. Does this guys wife know about all this? She needs to be told maybe her confronting him and kicking him out will be a wake up call to him.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 12:47:44 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 36
Joined: 6/10/2008
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OH MPEN! You're obsessed with her. Let her go man! You're only torturing yourself and making it more exciting for her. As some of the others said, put your focus on Christ and work on your own life. She abandoned you, but God hasn't. Stop texting her and finding ways to check out what she's doing. She's having an affair and she has no regard for your feelings or for her sins against God. Give this whole mess over to the Lord and stop burdening yourself with all this drama. You aren't going to be able to control her or change her mind. If she wants to repent she knows where you live. Stop torturing yourself with trying to get her back. You're only making it worse.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 1:08:18 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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His wife knows all about it, and from what I am told by my wife, just wants him to be happy. But I know they fight, because they are still living together. He has not divorced her yet cause he is waiting for her to get insurance. I know I need to let her go. We were supposed to go to the counselor again Tuesday with a list of issues the other person needs to work on. I don't think she is going to come this time, but she said she would then. I appriciate everyones advice. I know I need to let her go, but that won't make my pain any better and probably worse for a long time.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 1:12:06 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 241
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It wont make it worse. If you just let this go, like someone said above, she knows where to find you but, IMO, should only come there on her knees 1000% repentant before God and before you. Even then, you should be cautious. But, in the mean time, each time you have contact with her, learn more about the time she's spent with him, etc, you're just letting yourself in for more abuse and pain. If you just cut contact right now, you'll have the pain from all the ridiculous thing she's done to this point - and yea, that'll hurt a lot for a long time. But stop compounding it with every heartbreaking conversation and reliving it dwelling on it constantly. You're torturing yoursel and, I agree, just giving her more drama which it sounds very much like she's enjoying. Just don't play the game.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 1:30:09 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 36
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Let me clarify what I said. He is making it worse for himself. He keeps doing exactly what gives her pleasure and makes her feel soooo... important because she is loved by two men, and she has so much fun toying with Mpen's emotions. Mpen, you need to give this over to Christ and quit trying to control the circumstances yourself. There is absolutely no doubt that she is playing in the devils workshop and if she is a believer, God is going to reach her in His own time. But you have to let Him do that. You can't control things yourself by trying to get her to fall back in love with you. There are no guarantees that she will ever do the right thing, but you're not going to be able to change that by empowering her to cause you so much pain. My God give you the strength to do what you need to do to get through this.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 1:34:38 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
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This will sound hard but you are tring to control her.
You can not make her stay, you can not make her come back.
Perhaps she will see the error of her ways, but you have to give her room to think.
Be thankful you don't have kids that are being hurt in this relationship.
I know this is not easy, I understand that, I don't want to make it sound like I don't have compassion for your situation. But she is still waiting for you to man up, your comfort is to be found in the Lord, not with her.
Everytime she looks at her phone and sees you calling she is rolling her eyes and asking what is he whinning about now. Give her time, give her rope, give her whatever, but you are not helping the situation by what you are doing now.
I know you want her back, but what you are doing now will not make it happen.
I will be praying.
If she does not go with you tonight, find something to do or someone to talk to, don't just sit and run it though your head over and over. You need a break from this, rent a DVD and play with the dog, something.
BTW: God loves you.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 2:17:49 PM
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devoted_mom_wife
Posts: 4
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline
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It sounds like you have done all you can do. my heart breaks for you. In today's world with so many new forms of technology and communication it ahs unfortunately opened up more avenues for spouses to be unfaithful. If not sexually then emotionally. I think at this point you need to accept that your wife is unrepentant and do whatever you need to do to move on with your life and start healing. Perhaps you need to show her tougher love, stop enabling her to act as she has been with this guy. Sometimes we need to help our spouses see the consequence of their actions. Not punish them, but show them if they continue on guess what? No more communication, no more of the privileges they had as a spouse. Cutt of her phone, cut off her internet. If this was a privilege she has a result of being your wife, why should you support her bad behavior? If he wants to put her on his plan, let him. What he doesn't realize is if she did it with him (be unfaithful to you) she will do it to him. It sounds like this guy has a lot of responsibilities on his plate with the wife and his kids. If he wants to take on some more (with yours) then it will be on him. All you can do now is saty in prayer, that God would comfort you and give you stregth to make the right decisions during this difficult time.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 2:57:36 PM
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APZR
Posts: 1005
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
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Quite beating your self up, and quit acting like chaperon for date night! I wouldn't allow that man into my house at all. If she leaves, she leaves. You can't force someone to do anything, and you can't force someone to stand by their vows if they really don't want to. I hope counseling works out for you. But considering the history of her behavior, I doubt it will. Understand that if she does leave... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! She is the one destroying the marriage, and she will be the one living in sin. You will be heart broken, but I believe God will shower blessing on you for honoring your side of the vows.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 3:56:17 PM
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mrf084
Posts: 69
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline
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I said it before and I'll say it again. It is probably good that you are separated. You are separated physically but you can't seem to get over needing her every minute.
Fill your time with the things of God. Do things for your church or church members. Get your pastor or find a pastor that will put you to work. Throw out the reminders of what has gone on in the affair. Stay off the facebook page. Don't look at the cell phone bill. Stay busy and work on the marriage at the counselors office. Don't obsess about what she is doing the rest of the time.
There are all sorts of reasons for why she is doing what she is doing. Don't worry about it. That is her problem. Concentrate on storing up your treasures in heaven right now. God loves you and His love is the one you should seek right now.
I can guarantee that within a year that if you stick to that plan there will be a resolution of one sort or another. To your benefit no matter what it is.
Show yourself the worth that God places in you by focusing on Him except at the behest of your counselor to focus sometimes on your marriage.
You are right now still trying to figure out a way to convince her of the right thing to do, or of how much you love her, or how bad for her this other guy is, or how good your life togehter can be.
Don't!!! If she can't see the worth you can't control that or manipulate it into happening. You are not trying to develop yourself to be effective in the Kingdom of God. That is of key importance to your happiness. Your marriage is supposed to by an adjunct to your relationship with G O D. The real reason for your existence is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. If your focus is Him then your (confidence and manliness), as she put it, will grow by natural extension of that relationship with G O D.
In essence I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have made a little god out of your marriage. The relationship with the real God is supposed to be primary. That is because only then can everything else fall into place.
As a side note, if you want direction in a directionless situation you will need a mentor. Who better to mentor you than a pastor. They are there to feed the sheep. That means with the things of G O D. Find one that is prepared to mentor you into a Godly man. There has got to be one locally because God don't make mistakes. May God keep you and watch over you. Amen and God Bless.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/16/2009 4:00:22 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 241
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrf084
Throw out the reminders of what has gone on in the affair. Stay off the facebook page. Don't look at the cell phone bill.
Or turn the thing OFF!! I agree with mrf084
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/19/2009 10:09:01 AM
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carl54
Posts: 15
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline
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Let her go! Change your phone number, don't return her calls, and don't answer the door if she comes by. She is running all over you because you are letting her do it. You can't make her love you! Concentrate on God and his goodness to you. Find things you enjoy doing, new friends, etc. instead of worrying yourself over your runaway wife. Please, brother, lean on God's power and take resolute steps to get yourself on track with God. Your wife wants some space, GIVE IT TO HER!
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 1/23/2009 10:14:25 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
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It has been very hard. I saw her last Friday and then not until Wednesday. She had told me Tuesday they went to two different movies Monday night late. I told Her later Tuesday that I did not want to hear from her about those things or see her like that or ever see him. And a little more. I don't remember the exact words, but she got really sad and said "oh ok, I see, Bye." and then hung up fast. I did not get the full meaning out to her. I intended to tell her that I wanted to still see her and show her how I am a better man from this, and I need to show her that she can love me more. So, I called her back and said, “Are you ok, you hung up kind of fast.” She then told me, “Well that was kind of blunt.” Then I continued to try to talk with her about it, and I don’t think she paid much attention. She was talking that sad sounding voice that I had before. She had still wanted to be friends and must have expected to never see me again. Later that night she sent me a text saying Goodnight and one final sweet dreams….Thank you for all your love! Goodbye… I responded and tried to tell her I was not giving up but she never responded. Later I sent a message that I still wanted to take her places, basically date her, but I never called it that. I continued to text her the next day and planned on seeing her. She asked me to let her know when I get off work, but I was warry of doing that because of things before. I should have called earlier though, I called when I got home with no answer, then sent a text asking what was going on. I went down, knowing she was expecting me. Ran into my parents at a light and told them where I was going. They were getting pizza. Got to the house and nobody answered. Her sister was home, but does not answer when Brittany is not there and knows it is me. She does not want to tell me what she is up to. My mom called, Brittany was at the pizza place with him picking up pizza. She texted me back, answering my earlier question, I went to get pizza. I thought he was taking her to his place, but it turned out later that since his brother worked there, she was just getting the pizza with him for his discount and taking it back to her sister. But she would not tell me. She did not know where I was, and she would not answer my call to talk to me. I went over to a friends house, passing by his place at the entrance to the development. They weren’t there. What is the deception about?? She says she is not doing anything with him but going places, and stresses that to let me know it is true. I know what she means, and she is not just sparing my feelings.
We had a long talk later, when I finally went to see her later that evening. She wished I had not told people. I wanted advice and prayers and thought that maybe she would see what she was doing was wrong. I don’t know whether it was right or not. She said that it was comforting for her to think that it would be easier to change her mind if nobody knew. I think she was just talking, but it still gave me hope that she would entertain the thought. But now she said HER life was ruined and she could not return. I told her that it was not and could never be too late. I told her all the wrong things because I wanted her to know that I loved her and wanted her back. If she thinks I won’t take her back, I doubt she will try to come back. That is how she is. I thought that she might have hoped that this situation would really change me and be friends with me to see if I had. With her saying that only confirms that she has not committed herself to it even with everything else she tells me. Then she also told me that one day she knows she will really hurt me and she did not say it, but she did before that she does not like to hurt me.
Yesterday, I joked around with her all morning with texts and on facebook a bit. Then the other guy got involved and must have been jealous and sent her these naughty notes that are an add on. It was just to bother me, and it did. That ruined everything. I could not do it anymore, but should not have let it. I tried to get her to see me again since my plans were ruined the night before. She got upset with me over nothing, which is very easy now. She does not want ot talk to me for a while now.
Now the REALLY HARD part. I have known what they are doing tonight for a long while. It does not make it easier. I have to ignore it, but I feel that I cannot sit at home cleaning house while they are out at the dueling piano bar showing off for his coworkers. I thought about going out and seeing a friends band at another place I have never been before. They know about it too, but are not supposed to be there. The other thing, I have never gone out drinking, and went out with a friend last Saturday, just to tell her I went out. She got all worried about me, saying, don’t ruin your life over me! One night and she thinks I am going to start all the time. Then she tells me that, that is the kind of person she hates and does not want me to be that way. She liked the way I was, but without the things she did not like. Well then, she wants me to date, but not to go out. It sounds more like she wants me to continue to better myself and let her see it. I told her I don’t want anyone but her. Also, every time we talk, I learn something new about what bothered her, and how to change it. She does not accept that I can and that she made a choice and can change her mind.
I gave her the book, the counselor recommended and she did not read it. I got the audio cds for me and made a copy of the first cd for her to make it easier for her to listen to. She said she would read it. The book is for couples, but it explains that falling in love or new love is not real and is idealistic and a choice. Only time can make real love. She will not take it from me, because I have been telling her this from the beginning. She says she still loves me, and that is real, but she says she is in love with him and that is a choice. If I can just stay confident and positive and not let things bother me, and be around her a little to show these things, she may soften up to the idea of me. But in the mean time, she is going out with him and sooner or later something may happen. I want to tell her that I have confidence in her that she will not let this get out of control and that she will let me be around to show her I have changed to a better person. Maybe if I clean house and put everything away, which is a tall order, because we moved last year and we had to get more stuff over this past year. She may appreciate it when she finally comes home to get things. She just doesn’t think the changes will last or I really have not changed. As if this has no affect on me at all.
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