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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/20/2009 3:20:28 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Well, I guess my feeling of the reasons she had to stay with me was correct. She made a good argument, sounded sincere, and positve in her decision. But she was only doing it for herself. She wanted to be comfortable in her old life and wished she did not have that complication (baby). She said they were not compatible and gave reasons. Well all of that convinced me she would stay and I could talk with her more later. She even said she prayed God would give the baby to someone else who wanted it. But now that she spent enough time back with him, he convinced her to stay. She had said he knew she was leaving on Thursday. She said she didn't know Friday and that she told him she did not think that she could divorce me. But today she said that then she talked with him and felt it best to stay with him. She said she wanted to be home and comfortable but not necissarily to be with me. What a reason to come home. I should have convinced her somehow. I should have told her if she left it was over, that she could not come back and could not see me again. I was already guarding my feelings the whole time she was there, but I just didn't have the word to say at the time. I could not figure out what was best to do or how to respond. I just let her do what she wanted again. Go figure. Well, I can only blame myself for that part, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I would still pray for a miracle, but I don't know what is best now. She even made me proud to be a father figure for a while. I got her a present of a prescious moment called special delivery, you can look it up, and some flowers for when she did come home. Jumping the gun I know, but I wanted to make her happy and want to stay. Not to be cheep, but I even picked up a baby seat that someone put out for free that looks just like one my brother has, so I know it is good. Well, I guess she is not going to come back, but still can't make up her mind to say it for sure. She said she has to figure stuff out and I don't help and I am so persistant at times. Ok, and she hates hurting me, but she ca't help it. Ok, that is a decision I guess. Something to hold me on the line so she can still see me or convert me to a friend. That wont happen, it hurts every time she does that. It is just so hard for me to say goodby, I don't want to see you as a friend, when she was my best friend and wife. Or don't come back unless you want to stay permanently and could agree to some things. I miss her horribly. Sorry if it seems I do not take your advice, but It is just so difficult.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/20/2009 3:30:43 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3361
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
I should have convinced her somehow. I should have told her if she left it was over, that she could not come back and could not see me again. I was already guarding my feelings the whole time she was there, but I just didn't have the word to say at the time. I could not figure out what was best to do or how to respond. I just let her do what she wanted again. Go figure. Well, I can only blame myself for that part, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
I don't think you should have convinced her.
I'm glad you let her do what she wanted--you want to see her true thoughts and motives, right?
Please don't blame yourself. She is making her own choices.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/20/2009 9:22:05 PM
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MowTin
Posts: 43
Joined: 4/20/2007
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Mpen,
I'm a little worried about you. You're not accepting the situation. You're in complete denial. Are you going to be OK when it's finally over?
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/21/2009 10:47:18 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
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Friend, she is using you to get the attention she wants from him. If you want to try and figure out where she is coming from, understand that every move she makes is about herself. She is completely self centered, her world revolves around her.
She started fooling around because it made her feel good to have control.
She got pregnant because she felt control of him slipping to his own family.
She came to see you to make him jealous; he must not have been giving her the attention she felt she deserved.
She will continue to use you until something happens.
Problem is you have been so use to being in control of her all these years, you can’t see she has turned the tables around. Read your posts, you are still trying to control what she does.
Please understand, she could care less if she hurts you, stop buying that story, she no longer respects herself, she is not going to respect you.
Setting ultimatums you can’t keep will only jade her further from the words you speak.
If she starts talking about coming back again, tell her only after she starts counseling would you even consider it.
You are still in love with the idea of her, but she is not living up to that dream anymore.
You are in my prayers.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/23/2009 11:38:23 AM
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RareBreedTM
Posts: 10
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Baghdad, Iraq
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MPen, I know your pain brother. My situation is a little different, but its not any easier. Just remember that God has a plan for you. The best advice I can give is this. You are doing nothing wrong. You have tried everything you can to work things out. Your wife is the one who has to decide what she wants. I would strongly suggest not talking to her. I know its hard, I want to call my wife everyday, but not talking to her lets me focus on me. On my relationship with God. You have to do the same. You have to continue your life for you and for God, not for her. If she is meant to be with you, God will soften your heart to the situation and all will be well. Keep your guard up, but never lose hope. I'm slowly coming to grips with that myself. If you ever need anything, I will be more than glad to talk with you. Keep your head up, God loves you.
Jon
_____________________________
RareBreedTM
http://www.myspace.com/jon_carter
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/23/2009 4:55:02 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Thanks everyone and RareBreedTM. I can't help but notice your location. I feel for you too. My hope had almost died after she got pregnant, because I did not talk to her for a couple weeks. Then I talked to her about the taxes and we had a nice time. I was afraid I would be uncomfortable around her since she was pregnant, but it was not an issue. I feel that if I did not think I could deal with this situation I would be out of it already. She has given me back my hope by trying to come back. I think that she just could not deal with the pain she was causing him. Go figure. She sort of did the same to me, and it took an arguement (made up by her) to for her to leave me. She told me yesterday that she was having those I want to come home feelings again. She wanted to be comfortable and normal again. She said she did not know what she was doing. I guess she made a mess of her life and wants to right it, but does not know how or which way. I want to talk with her and have her go to a Christain counselor. She needs to want to come back to me, not just to be comfortable. I asked about the cheating again issue last week and she said she wouldn't, but that was not really talking about it. I just pray she finally realizes what is real, true, honest, good, and right in the eyes of God. She made a promise and commitment to me and to God when she married me. I have always wanted her back, but everytime she gives me hope then does not follow through, I get anxiety about it. That is about the only thing that I have a hard time with. I don't think I would have a hard time if she came back, or taking care of her child as a father figure, or even dealing with the other guy because of that. I may have to make an issue about her never or hardly ever seeing him, but it is not to that point yet. She still is there, but I know they will not be good together and she said as much too last week. So, time is the only thing I have now. I keep busy with other things and trying to read the Bible more.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/24/2009 12:58:14 AM
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RareBreedTM
Posts: 10
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Baghdad, Iraq
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JER 29:11 brother. It's the best verse out there when you are in need. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for you to prosper and not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future." God has something out there for you. God has a plan for you. He who abandons himself to God will never be abandoned by God. Give it ALL to God brother. It might seem silly at first, but letting him lead the way is what keeps me going over here. Knowing that no matter the outcome, something better is in store for me. We learn from our past, we seek our future, but we must remain in the present. It seems you have done everything that you can to make your marriage work.
Trust me, it's hard to feel like you've done enough. Personally, I still have one thing left to try before I have exhausted every possibility. Then I can have the dignity that I gave it my all. This isn't about me though, it's about you, your wife, and God. Let it be. Just let it be man. You have to work this on God's terms. Not yours. Not you wife's. God's. Trust me it will be hard. The only reason I have come to grips with it so fast is because I feel that I have no choice over here.
Remember, you are not alone. You have support. Pray hard, and let God take the wheel. You're in my prayers.
_____________________________
RareBreedTM
http://www.myspace.com/jon_carter
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/25/2009 7:52:21 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Thanks again RareBreedTM. I basically feel the same way. Unfortunately, am here down the street from her and still have no choice. She does what she wants no matter what. She thinks that not making a choice right now because she is confused, is alright. And yet she says she doesn't know about them, but she is there right now. As if it was supposed to be alright. And then she tries to tell me what to do, like just go have fun, refering to a friend of mine when me and my wife were supposed to do something and she had to go to her sisters instead. Well, I have come to the point where I am tired of her trying to string me along. She is getting an ultrasound Monday, so I suggested that I could go with her, knowing that he would probably go instead. And she told me he was going and she didn't know. She was having dreams about me lately. I almost want to tell her that she has made the decision and is not going to string me along anymore. But to me that is selfish and not God's love, but then God says not to associate with sinners. Which brings me to the reasons she wants to come home. I don't want to just make her comfortable here like she wants. I want to be her husband. So that is her decision she made, not to come back just for me. But she does not want to be forced to make a decision. And that is why I wanted to see her and talk this over to get the point of what she is doing is completely cruel not just to me, but to the other person as well. Leading him on even more, just because it is his child. She said she thought she was further along than she thought and actually thought that maybe it could be mine, but she was positive it was not. I am positive that she would have known earlier if it was because of the last time was Dec. I told her I wish it was my child just for her, If that was what she wanted. And she said it would make things easier or less complicated. All of her comment seem to me to be that she is settling for being there now, just because it is easier. It would be hard to come back especially that she got a taste of what it would be like for him when she tried. She feels that she has to keep cheering him up and she doesn't think she can keep doing that. Well I told her that he would go back to his wife eventually if she was not there anymore. He has not even started his papers and wants to pay off his wifes student loan and medical bills. So they are both messed up at the moment. Very very strange and yet, I still wish I could be there for her to a point. If she did come back, I know she would stay if it lasted past the first while of issues. But there are a lot of issues.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 4/27/2009 1:05:37 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
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If she where living with her sister perhaps she could say she is having a hard time making a choice, but as long as they are sleeping in the same house every night, she has made her choice.
Be careful, you may be paying for his baby's hospital bills shortly...
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 10:22:43 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Well, I have been numb to the pain for a while. Then I found out two weeks ago they were planning a trip to myrtle beach. I didn't react, but told her I needed to speak to her. She put it off and one day when she could have I did something else just so I was not waiting on her schedule. But she never saw me to talk in person. I wanted to tell her how much it would hurt me if she went and that it would be over because of the pain involved and she chose to be with him. She acts like she is not sure, but always regrets things she does against me. So she went, and texted me a little. Once asking how I was because she had a bad dream about me again. Then the last day she said she was sorry for hurting me all the time and wished she didn't. Then when she was home the next day I got the inevitable crying phone call that I was expecting just to see if I would still be there for her. She said she missed me the whole day the day before but was ok till then. Ha. I just told her how much it hurt and that I couldn't sleep right and that I didn't think I could take any more of this. I think I said that it would hurt less to actually go through with the divorce, but it wouldn't stop the pain. So the conversation went on and then she had to go because it was too much. Then the next day she calls me about the health insurance, to see if I put her on mine because she had an apointment that day she had to cancel. She would have to pay the full 404 for her insurance and couldn't. I guess later she text me that if I wanted to write a letter to him now would be the time and it would help. Then just say how I feel and how hurt I have been. Well, I was a bit confused. It turned out that she wanted to get him to let her go because he felt bad that he could not take care of her and pay her insurance. He thought it might be better for her to go back to me and him move home! I did not send a letter, but it probably would have had that effect. He would have felt so bad to let her go, but regret it and try to get her back again. But I messaged with her again the day after just to figure this out. She said not to send it she would tell me later. Well she did not yet. She seems like she can't let go. She has said she still cares for him. I told her in that crying conversation that she should not see him again if she came back because it is an addiction that can happen again if exposed to each other. The only real thing that I wish I could tell him is that if I am to take care of the child financially, then he needs to give up parental right so that I may adopt the child. For the simple reason that it would not just dissapear from my life someday when I have no legal right. And yes, I am willing to do so. So, since he is probably working the next three days, I expect to see her show up, but won't count on it. The pain now is out more than ever and keeping me from sleeping right. But it is as if she wants me to be ok so I am more appealing to her than the depressed guy she is with. Forgiveness is not the issue with me. It is the forgetness, or letting go. She will need to go to therapy and marriage counceling if she comes back as one of my conditions as well as admit that she cannot see him again or for a long time if at all. This is all to be talked about. She will probably not agree to not seeing him and will probably not stop messaging or speaking with him. I have control over her phone, so I would see it, but have no control unless I block it. Then it would be internet messages. I understand all the issues involved and still can do nothing. The only thing I can do is something I almost refuse to. Which is to woo her back. I tried a little once. I even have a present that I never got to give her. Oh well. I am not stuck on her anymore, I just cannot remove the love I have or how much I care. Another thing I told her is that the worse part is that I have nobody to hug me or to lean on or to depend on and that I did not want to try to replace her just for that. To which she responded that even though what she has done, she would still be hurt and jelous if I did that.
I have scheduled a vacation for the week of our anniversary, the first week of June. I have no plans. If she were to go, we could go somewhere to get away and talk. If not, I will just reschedule or work on the house and stuff. I do not feel like running off by myself.
I guess now is the time for me to do something, but I do not know which way to go. I could be nice and do things for her. I could go ahead with the divorce and see if it wakes her up or not. I could do both. I could go dark and not talk to her much or at all. .....I wanted to do the last one after she came back, but she was crying... and I missed her and hurt so badly. I know she is toying with me, but it really does seem to me that she knows more of what she wants. That she wants to come home, but does not know how to get there without a lot of pain and hurting him. She even said she did not know whay she was really there and if it was only because of the child. So much complication that is really very simple or simply solved if she would only chose to solve it. I feel like going over there and laying it out for them. Saying that everything can almost be as it was before. We hardly had contact before, there will be that connection between them that has to be removed. The child will be the only issue that needs talked over. He can try to make things better with his own family, and I know part of him really wants to from what my wife says. There really is no anger between any of us. I do wish I could let him have it, but I never would. So, dispite the pain of it all, things could work out if they let go, but I don't see it yet.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 2:58:45 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3349
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
The only real thing that I wish I could tell him is that if I am to take care of the child financially, then he needs to give up parental right so that I may adopt the child. For the simple reason that it would not just dissapear from my life someday when I have no legal right.
You don't seem to be comprehending this fact: YOU ARE THE LEGAL FATHER OF HER CHILD.
You are financially responsible for her pregnancy and for the child's birth. You are legally responsible for all of the child's medical needs. You would have to PROVE with a DNA test that you are not the child's father before a divorce would be granted in which you do not end up with financial responsibility including child support. Your wife's boyfriend would have to PROVE that he was the father with a DNA test in order for him to gain any legal rights.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 3:33:19 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
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I think I can help you figure this out.
She wants you to pay her bills and for the baby and she plans to continue her affair.
She does not have a job; the rent will be due soon, along with everything else she owns.
She is planning to come back and live with you, but she will need you to clear up her bill situation first, and you will.
She will move back in with you, slip around with him, have the baby and leave you holding the bag and go back to his bed. She will then continue to use the child against both of you, you will feel obligated because she lived with you while pregnant and he will feel obligated because it is his.
Now that is pretty much her plan, you pray she will change, she does need Jesus.
But you should operate on that assumption, don’t think you can control her, phone calls, internet, you can’t. And I hope by now you have figured out that is no way to live.
Should she truly repent, you will not have to tell her to stay away from him, she won’t want to go near him.
You continue to be in my prayers. I check back here every week to get an update.
I do understand what it is like for someone you love to treat you so badly, I know you hope agaist hope that she will change, just be careful. And pray for wisdom.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 4:47:47 PM
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EvanWeeks
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/11/2009
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Refuse.
Flatly.
Perhaps my experiences have made me a little stone-hearted when it comes to this sort of thing, but I do not tolerate infidelity. My wife, while we were dating, cheated on me with a very close friend of mine. She is now my wife, has borne two children for me and is deeply faithful. Last I heard he was deeply remorseful. I wouldn't know, I never talked to him again outside of barely-civil pleasantries at work, nor do I particularly care. That's between him and God.
My relationship with my wife recovered because she was immediately remorseful and confessed. We were not Christian at the time, but her confession and remorse were enough that I forgave her. I realize now that God was working through me then to plant that seed that would eventually blossom into the Christ-centered love we share now.
However, I made it clear then and there that unfaithfulness simply wouldn't be tolerated. I have a nasty, NASTY habit of severing contact with anyone backstabs me immediately and usually quite cleanly. I don't like drama.
My advice in this situation may not be the most Christ-like advice out there, but at some point you have to think about yourself and your own mental and spiritual health. This may be a real pearls-before-swine situation for you, from which you need to retreat and regroup before (maybe) reengaging and solving.
So, my advice is this: she goes to this vacation with her guy, you change the locks and put her stuff in storage away from the house. She comes "home" and finds it isn't anymore. Offer no other explanation than this, "We made a vow before God. You broke that vow. I offered you a chance to make amends, and you've spurned that offer with more contempt than I ever thought possible from you. You're no longer welcome here. Let me know where you go so I know where to send the paperwork. Don't bother trying to apologize at this point, as I am not ready now, if I ever will be, to deal with accepting you into my arms again. Goodbye, and I wish you all the love and success in life you've stolen from our future."
Done deal. Now stick to it. Serve her with paperwork and let her stew. Meanwhile, YOU need to go to church, get with your pastor or another counselor and spend some serious time in the Word and in prayer. Use this time to cleanse your heart of the anger and hurt. When you're ready, maybe she will be too.
I can't say I don't doubt it, but maybe.
_____________________________
Evan Weeks - Dad. Programmer. Christian.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 4:59:06 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
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laura... Thanks for your comments. I know I know. In the eyes of the state I am the father. I actually talked with a Christan lawyer from my church about this subject. I did ask and he did say that he can work around the pregnancy to get a divorce. I found the papers for the dissalusionment and they all said.... wife currently not pregnant. So maybe that is not the option, but a full divorce. It just seems like it will take all my money just to get this resolved now rather than a dissalusionment when she is no longer pregnant. Anyhow. She was thinking of seeing me tonight or tomorrow as I expected because he is working the next three days. Well, I just felt like seing her half to show her we can have a nice time together again and have to tell her that if she stays with or goes back to him, she has already made her decision. She will have to live with that and have no more support from me. I will not support her living with him. She had the nerve to say last week that I had a condition that she had to move back with me to get my insurance. Well maybe that should be the condition. I told her it could be fraud if she is no longer with me, but I doubt it at least in the eyes of the state. I don't think she regrets things at times even when she feels bad and says she is so sorry for hurting me.
seagullplayer, Thank you for your prayers. I do realize what she is up to. She already said she would pay me back the taxes that I paid for filing together. Yeah, Right. I'll keep a tally of that. If she wants to take her half of the house, I will mention that we borrowed from my parents for half the downpayment until she got the money from her moms life insurance. But somehow she always put that payment off. I know I have proof of their check deposit, but no proof of it being a loan. I will just say I will take her half as payment to them if she argues with me, but she wanted to let me have the house. It is no longer worth the same anyway and would not be worth selling. I have to go see her now. I will see what kind of mood she is in first or not see her. It is not worth it if she is in a mood against me.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/14/2009 5:27:05 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3349
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
aura... Thanks for your comments. I know I know. In the eyes of the state I am the father. I actually talked with a Christan lawyer from my church about this subject. I did ask and he did say that he can work around the pregnancy to get a divorce. I found the papers for the dissalusionment and they all said.... wife currently not pregnant. So maybe that is not the option, but a full divorce. It just seems like it will take all my money just to get this resolved now rather than a dissalusionment when she is no longer pregnant.
You say "I know, I know" but you still don't seem to be absorbing the reality that you, your wallet, your bank account, your insurance WILL pay for her pregnancy, child birth and any and all medical bills incurred by the baby. You are the financially responsible party. The hospital will come after you. The debt collectors will come after you.
I suggest that you get back to that Christian lawyer and go through any hoops, pay any amount that it takes to get a full divorce NOW with you legally recognized as NOT the father. The cost to you NOW is minuscule compared to the potential medical costs of pregnancy, childbirth and any serious complications.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/15/2009 7:20:07 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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I pray your eyes remained open during the visit.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/15/2009 11:30:29 AM
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phreddy
Posts: 260
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: online
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Mpen,
I have been silent up until now, but do you realize that you are enabling her sin? The way you are "loving" her is just making it easier for her keep committing adultery. I know it must be extremely difficult to let her go, but until she makes a permanent change in her life you do not need to try to reconcile with her. Since she is refusing, you must be the mature person and make the decision to stop enabling her. Make her make a choice. Since you love her so much, you need to be more concerned about her soul and less about your emotional comfort. She has already hurt so many people and now has a child on the way that has no stable family.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 5/16/2009 12:41:38 AM
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schalmat
Posts: 1
Joined: 5/16/2009
Status: offline
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Hi Mpen,
I'm new here but have read through this thread. There comes a time when you have to make the choice for her.If you think things are bad now, Let her come back with the other guys kid,,once she has it ,this mess will all start again.YOU CANT CONTINUE ENABLING HER.It is going to wreck you emotionally.Thats when bad things happen.Dont let it. Move on and do 3 things,pray,pray,pray.Use your time to draw closer to God .In the christian walk ,Meek does not mean week.In regards to the other guy,,All i can say is this,When this started ,She was YOUR wife.He had no buisness being anywhere near her.Weather she would have gotten mad at you for confronting him is beside the point.some here may dissagree with me but i'll say it anyhow. STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR ELSE!. When you married you became 1 flesh. He may have gotten mad and called the police over a whoopin ,he'd still have to explain to his wife and kids why he came home such a mess. I can really understand how you feel, I would be willing to go to any length to keep my wife ,but she left you emotionally and physically and spiritually a long time ago. I admire your dedication to trying to save your marrige,its only by the grace of God that your still sane after what this girl has done.I will pray for you and continued strength.I hope all works out for you .
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/3/2009 2:02:29 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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Any updates? How are you holding up?
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/10/2009 4:19:28 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
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Yeah, there are a few things that happened. I will have to tell you later. But our anniversary was uneventful on the 4th. I got to go to a movie with her on the thursday the 28th which was nice. It and other things cause issues between them. He He He. I didn't care. I can go in depth later, but the next day he gave her the ultimatum and her first reaction was to want to come home. But since he was too upset and drinking, she stayed. This needs a little background before you rush to judge it. I will explain later. But she blames herself for causing his pain and wants to keep him happy, among many other things. I still have my hope in God, and my basis on Gods unfailing love, grace, and forgiveness to guide me in this. I know her true heart and see what this is doing to her. I can see her coming home if he would truely let her. She said he would, but somehow, I know it is the pain that he shows, she cannot face. If she would let me help her through it, knowing that she has put me through far worse, then she would not have to deal with seeing him. But that would be too much to ask of her. So she says she is doing what she needs to do. I finally got her to admit telling him she is there now, but that she goes back and forth with him. Now she is up because of hearing the baby, and an ultrasound image. I can go into it more. but the feeling is still there that she would come home if it was easier and less complicated. She ignored everything in the beginning, but will not ignore anything now.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/10/2009 9:27:15 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2161
Joined: 3/13/2009
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you say you know her heart and why she is staying with him as she doesnt want to hurt him, but that just isnt the case as she cares nothing for you and what she is putting you through.if she was a caring person she wouldnt have done all of this in the first place.
Why do you keep seeing her, all it does is to make it harder for you and muck you around emotionally all the time.? You REALLY need to totally and 100% seperate from her, to tell her once and for all that she has a choice NOW, and if she chooses him, that is it.
You arent helping yourself or her by enabling her to act so badly. She isnt having to be accountable for what she has done, and thus she will never learn from it. God may well be wanting you to take a very big step back and even if that means allowing her to go into the pit, than maybe she will then find God again in that pit and will get back on the right path. This is between her and God and you are cushioning her from what God may well be wanting her to do and what He may be saying to her. Sometimes God uses tough love and you arent allowing Him to reach her, challenge her or speak to her.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/11/2009 7:14:02 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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I am not going to judge, but I will tell you that no loving mother wanting to have a healthy baby drinks. Especially to the point of skewed decision making.
But she is not having the baby because she wants a baby, she is having a baby to control him. Looks like she is getting the bonus of controlling you too.
She reminds me of Delilah see Judges Chapter 16.
Keep in mind sex seems to mean nothing to her but a tool to use to manipulate people; it doesn’t mean she is one step closer to moving back in, if you catch my drift.
Keep us updated, still praying your eyes will be open.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/14/2009 10:41:14 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
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I have decided to do something different now. No, not D. I was friends with the other guy since middle school. We just sort of lost motivation to do much after high school. But I got to know his family. So, I am friends with several on facebook. I think they requested to be my friend and I just didn't deny them. Anyhow, the other day one of his sisters commented on money problems and then said something about sticking with her man through troubled times. That got a like, and a comment from his mother. Then she made a comment on her page about why don't children listen to their parents advice and their experiences. Then you wonder why their life doesn't go the way they plan. Well then he defended himself. I so wanted to respond. Later his mom posted three music videos from Fireproof. So I decided to see what she thought and sent a message. She seemed to be genuine about marriage being forever, but sometimes doesn't go that way. She said she would keep posting things. She also invited me to a party that they said "they" were not going to go. So I went. I had fun watching people do ballroom dances and I did a couple line dances. Something to do. So there is my choice. The other guy feels that he has to give up some things, refeering to going to a birthday party with his kids and others. I feel since I am invited to another one of his family events, a graduation, I just might go even if they are going to be there. Not sure yet.
I just stopped by their apartment yesterday because I felt I don't need to be in the background anymore. I don't have to give him the satisfaction of not having to face me. I will not pretend that this is right or nothing is going on. My wife invited me in and said he was in the bedroom. They had been talking and he said some sad stuff to her and she said some sad stuff to him and they were upset before I got there. She was looking as if she was crying. I went in with the intention of only asking him a question if he came out at all. He did not. She said he was napping before and was still tired. Right! Anyhow. I didn't say a thing about us, just talked a bit. Asked what was for supper.. He He. She said they were broke and had been using some pizza cupon thing he bought. I told her that might not be good for a pregnant woman. She asked what she should eat. I had not researched, but need to now. I did ask her one question. I asked, "So, are you going to tell me it is over?" And guess what, she just slowly shook her head no. I don't know if she took it the right way or not. She got a little sad with me too during all this, but we were not mentioning angything really. I had my dog with me and she had hers. My dog got jelous of me petting the other one even though they had lived together. I was only there maybe 15 minutes. I told her before I left that it doesn't have to be this way. She got sad and hugged me twice but did not kiss me back when I pecked her cheek. I actually offered to get food! You know, throw them off. I need to be the better person. And she told me later they got sad again after I left! Objective complete, although I do not want to play games or manipulate them. I know you may think that is, but its a tightrope.
I had the feeling that I should have confronted him in person, but they had their mind set originally. Now I know he is regretting things. His mother said they got together when they were both voulnerable and his family does not think they are compadible. My wife does not really know him. His mom said that he feels like he got himself into this mess, trapped, and doesn't know how to get out. I told her that she said he gets sad and she has to cheer him up and doesn't think she can keep it up. It just seems to me as if their relationship is at the struggling point and it is slowly dying. They are striving to keep it together as if it was the right thing to do for their child and their love they think they still have. I think the complications have muddled with their reality of what they thought they wanted.
The last message I said she wanted to come home because he told her to make a decision to stay or go. He sent me this long message: "I just wanted to say again how sorry I am that this all happend. I never meant to take her from you. I never thought he would ever face or want this type of situation to happen. I have been thinking a lot lately of what we both put you through while you sat there and watched all of this happen in front of you. I feel horrible. She keeps telling me how much she loves me but can't let you go because she feels bad for what she has done. I have asked her to make a choicce to stay or go and I will not try and stop her this time. I love her and want her to be happy even if it is not with me. I truely am sorry even though I know you do not believe me." Ok, that was suprizing, but seemed a little insincere because I knew what his objective was. So that is when I get the text, "I am doing it" from her. A little vauge to say the least. I was on the phone and did not respond. He was supposed to be working, but then I get a text saying, "I am not coming home, he is a mess." Later a phone call where she said sorry and he sobbed sorry in the background. She said she was in the bath and came out to find him on the couch drinking. He had thought she left. I am not sorry for his little bit of misery, but since she was sounding comfident I said give him the phone. I told him to calm down, its alright. Even though I knew it was not. I was worried for her and hoped maybe she would still leave, but not getting my hopes up. The next day, nothing. Then the day after, a text saying I will talk to you later about everything. I had to push a question at her twice that week with no real answer. I knew what that ment. She had told him something, but it couldn't be permanent with the way things were going between them. I finally got an answer. She said she is there now. I asked if that was what she told him.... Yes, but I go back and forth with him. Anybody could see that coming. That was over a week ago and now she seems confused about what they are telling eachother. I just wish she would talk to me and go to a counselor, but that is too soon. His mom said she was trying to get them to go back to church. Shs also said that he thinks she is wrong and never listens.
So to me, it almost seems like they know it is over, but they are fighting it. They are facing the pain they know they caused everybody including his wife, but they still want what they want. His mom and my wife both said that he feels bad about not making things better with his wife. His mom blames my wife for taking him away from his family even if he had wanted to leave before. I feel the same and had told her so. Now feelings are damaged and may not get back between them. I still pray to God about everyone and to help bring them to back to their spouses.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/15/2009 1:33:06 AM
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Aubrey1999
Posts: 1
Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline
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I would print out the responses you have received over this time period and re-read them. Perhaps also print out your own postings and bring them to a christian counselor to look at. You will need to be able to surrender your will and agenda for God's or you will NEVER move forward from here.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 6/20/2009 12:44:45 PM
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RareBreedTM
Posts: 10
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Baghdad, Iraq
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Aubrey1999
I would print out the responses you have received over this time period and re-read them. Perhaps also print out your own postings and bring them to a christian counselor to look at. You will need to be able to surrender your will and agenda for God's or you will NEVER move forward from here.
That is actually a great idea. I agree.
_____________________________
RareBreedTM
http://www.myspace.com/jon_carter
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