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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/6/2009 10:37:04 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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There is no one that can completely understand my situation unless they are living it. I just have always maintained that the relationship can be salvaged, the love can become stronger, and the marriage saved. My wife deeply cares for me dispite her emotional affair. She has wanted me to remain in her life and yet never wanted to say it was over because it even hurts her too much. She says she is going through a lot of pain as well over this. So, since she is, the proof was that the other guy asked her to go to counseling with me! She said it was to get us both help. Sounded more like to separate our feelings and get her approval from someone else. She asked about where it was. I was going to a therapist that asked about inviting her in before. I told her it was in a church but not affiliated with that church, and it was through the people that I tried to get her to go to to begin with.
We went last Friday and I called and talked to her for a long time before we went. She told me that she wanted to tell her side of the story. I knew what that ment and expected it. She also said that the other guy was afraid of loosing her because of this. Well, he wouldn't be afraid if there was not a reason for it. She vented everything that was my fault and wrong with our relationship. But a lot of it seemed to me to be in response to the fact that the counselor was a Christian and seemed to be slightly more toward marriage. My wife seemed to be defending herself and her decision more than anything. The counselor discussed the issues with her and then did a pro-con list about staying or leaving that my wife said she had already done before. My wife even came up with a fair amount of pro things for staying with me, but some were just the comfort of home. The counselor asked what decision she made and got the response that she was in love and wanted to be with him. She could not see being happy with me again and was going by what she felt. The counselor told her her own story of how she chose to stay with her husband and their love came back. Then the counselor asked me what I thought. I had no good response, but to say something that my wife said before about us and them. Then, she suggested that we take a 30 day break and then come back for another session. This was to let my wife deal with her decision that she seemed to already have made and probably for me to deal as well. To let her live without me and not to come to me for help or support for what she was not getting when she needed it. I was not liking this, but she had suggested it before and my wife would not do it because I asked her to myself. We prayed and left.
Out in the hall we walked around the corner and she pulled me to her to hug. I started with just one arm around her as a gesture, because she was still leaving me. Then she got emotional. We walked out and she asked me to get in her car for a bit. She got mad at me for a second about the counselor being a Christian and that she didn't have a fair trial from the start. I suppose it may have helped to go to someone I was not already seeing and a neutral counselor, but she knew this was who I was seeing. She then proceeded to tell me that I could call her if I couldn't take it. She seemed to be more than ok with the 30 day separation of contact. I asked if she was hungry to eat for the last time. She did not want to. We cried together again as we did in the session. Then we left. I followed her down toward home as we lived close. Then she wayved me to follow her in a different direction as we got off the freeway. We ended up eating at Big Boy's because the other guy was working and she wanted to eat there. Seemed awkward, but we did not talk about things.
She had said before the session on the phone that if this was the only time we could speek about things, then it would be good, meaning during counseling. It seemed to me that she wanted to figure things out by getting professional help with out issues and discusing our problems to help her be more decisive. It also seemed that she would have wanted to go to more sessions. That there would be some sort of help coming from a therapist to help if they were not religously biased. My therapist also recomended a counselor from her company for her to see on her own and said she could have her call her. I don't expect she will go for sure. She may, but I don't think she wants to be judged. My point was that, although this 30 day break may be a way to get her to face things fully and miss me, it would give her the feedom.
She did say in counseling that when she is away from me she thinks of all the good things she missed, and when we are together, we talk about thing to make her sad. It is more like she brings things up and it gets me going on the subject too. She also said before that in the begining she thought it would not go anywhere and he would go back to his family. And that they just kept persuing eachother. She also said that had I not got all weird, wanting her to stay or come home, then it would not have pushed her further away. My response to a lot of things she says is that I can not change the past, just the future. I can only make things as good as she will accept. She just has to let go of any bitterness and resentment that she holds against me fro our relationship going stale in order for it to get better. That is what I think she wanted to do through counseling so she could make her decision better. She also said that she was afraid that any change in our relationship, if she did com home, would go maybe a year or two and then go back to the way it was. I told he you will have that with him too and the counselor agreed, saying she was the common denominator. I don't think she understood. But she already saw things getting "normal" with the other guy, things she didn't like were showing up.
I just think that while she agreed to go to counseling, I should take advantage of it and get her to go to another different one. This way may be the only chance I can get for her to talk through things. But then again someone nonreligious may be ok with anything and not solve anything either. The other guy posted on her facebook page, before we defriended eachother, that he guessed it was doomed from the start and that he's on his own now. Meaning the Christian counselor was a waste to begin with and that I am on my own. So they are all happy. Their ultrasound is the 27th and willl probably be happy to find the sex of the baby. She said she would text it to me. Our appointment is the 30th and she will be in a happy decided mood because of that. Over the weekend, the normal party his family has was on. She probably got to watch the fireworks downtown from the top of the arena he works at. And yet afterward, she text me, "Did u see fireworks?" I did not respond that I went down to a bridge with my mom and yet left in the middle because I couldn't take it. I felt miserable being there without her. I just did not respond at all. She probably thought becuse of the no contact thing, not because I didn't want to tell her I was hurting.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/6/2009 7:09:43 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
Joined: 3/13/2009
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firstly, why did you call it an emotional affair when it is a physical one? Secondly the idea of a total ban on ANY contact for 30 days is brilliant, and it should be much longer, but she isnt keeping to it by texting you,. Texting is contact and that isnt allowed. Also why is she going to text you about the sex of the baby? it isnt yours and it isnt going to help you to know. She is still hanging on to you while betraying you, why are you allowing it? She isnt being helped by you, she is being cushioned. leave her to God.
She is acting appallingly and you are enabling it.She isnt having to live with the consequenses of her selfish and awful behaviour..But you have been told this over and over.
Cut off all contact. if you are insistant on waiting for her then wait, she may never come back, but cutting off all contact is the only way to find out. If you dont let her go and also insist that she cannot cntact you, you will never know if she will come back. I cant believe that you cant see how terribly she is acting both towards you, the other mans wife and tiny children, and even the other man. Could you ever trust her again, because I coudnt.
I pray that you will see the right way to deal with this. What is happening now is just making it all worse. She has made her decision, now let her go and live with it. Tell her not to contact you at all and dont contact her.I also cannot see the ponit in going to counselling. IF she ever wants to come back then THAT is the time for long term counselling BEFORE you allow her back, not now that she has made her decision to stay with the other man. Neither of them have any morals at all, do you really want to have a wife whose morals and behaviour are so awful? Do you really want a wife who has treated you all so appallingly?
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 7/7/2009 8:47:47 AM >
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/7/2009 4:13:07 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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I have decided to let the 30 days run, not because it will work, but to show her what it will be like without me. Of course it will be fine for her and I doubt she will miss me much now. She has made up her mind already and was just stringing me along to spend time with her. I was using that as a way to get her to see that things are better. I found a not she "tagged" her sister with on Facebook today that says she wants a divorce as an answer to 4 things she wants most. So there is my answer. She only wants me as a friend. I can not be her friend and know she is with him. At least for now and for a long while. If she would want to go to counseling as our only contact as a way to work certain issues out, I may feel ok with that. But I think that my only option now is to start the paperwork, to see an attorney to get things moving. I want a dissalusion, but in my state it is in that paperwork that says "wife is currently not pregnant." But an attorny said they can work around that. I have to find out if I can do that myself or not.
The more she is around him, the more she is like him. Did I say she does not believe in the Bible anymore? Reminds me of 1 Cor. 7;12-15. She is not willing to live with me. Although, I feel afraid for her, I can not save her unless she is willing, even if she does not stay with me.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/7/2009 7:47:00 PM
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dianemccrary
Posts: 17
Joined: 7/22/2008
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So sorry to see how things are still going. It must be hard to let go of someone you probally thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I would do the 30 day thing for sure. It seems from reading your posts that she doesn't want to be with you as a wife and husband. I am sure that being just her friend would be a hard thing to do knowing the intimate,close relationship the two of you had as spouses. That part I can truly understand cause I found that hard for me in a relationship. I couldn't see being a friend when after being more than that. So needless to say. That person and I aren't friends. So I can see how hard it would be for you on that end. So if you have found that divorce is what she wants than all u can do is start the process.If the two of you aren't gonna be working to be spouses thru going to therapy than to continue lets say you do get divorced really wouldn't matter no more cause the goal would be to work it out to be married.But seems she doesn't want to be married to you. If she doesn't believe in the bible anymore than that is a problem.No matter how you would like to save her you can't! Only God can do the saving. I still keeping you in my prayers. Hope you able to find peace,comfort, support,healing thru looking to Jesus for what you need to do to go on with your life. Stay focused on HIM!!
_____________________________
" Your Life Is In The Hands Of My Lord"
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 11:54:18 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
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Let us know how the 30 days goes.
She will call you in a week just to see if you pickup. Be strong, don't fall for it.
You will find out soon enough what the sex of the baby is, she will post it everywhere, don't fall for it...
Prayers
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 2:15:54 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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Thanks again for the support. Now I have another problem. She asked me last week if a check had arrived and had even gone by and checked the mailbox for it. First off, this is the last remaining bit from life insurance from her mother dying that came too late for our downpayment on our house. My parents loaned us the mony which was half the downpayment and we were supposed to pay it back and she never did even after it came in. Now I did loan her money recently, stupid, I know, but she promised to pay it back. It was to cover fraudulet charges that she said were done automatically on her checking account, that caused an overdraft of 500. I deposited just enough to get her out of overdraft directly into her account. Now I have this check, and proof that she got the overdraft charges reversed and the process started for fixing that problem. I don't understand how you get one unotherized charge let alone three, but the bank gave the money back. Plus the sister of the other guy works at the bank and is helping her get a job there maybe. A bank teller that can't take care of her own finances, thats a little ironic. I don't know what she would be doing. Anyhow, somebody told me to have her sign over the check directly to me, and not to take no for an answer. Sounds like a good plan, but with my recent track record for getting her to listen to me, seems a little harder done than said.
I had said that I would let her know when it arrived, but she never said when she would pay me. And since the money should be mine anyhow, should I bother breacking silence to try to convince her to pay me? Or should I leave it up to her to say she will pay me with that money, even though she is broke. I think she probably put the other money toward her insurance anyway and will again if I give this to her. Not to mention the issue of the car she is driving in my name I am paying for and the insurance and the cell phone still. Uh, I am a shmuck!
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 2:26:52 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3397
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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The check is in her name. Give her the check. Ask her to sign it over to you but don't be surprised when she says, "No."
Say goodbye to the $500 loan.
Take back the car. Cancel the cell phone.
Stop being a schmuck.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 2:31:48 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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I know. I figured I needed to tell her, but I just did not want to have to contact her, was all it was about.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 2:34:12 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3397
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mpen
I know. I figured I needed to tell her, but I just did not want to have to contact her, was all it was about.
Either text or email her. That will limit the amount of actual "contact".
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/8/2009 7:40:14 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
Joined: 3/13/2009
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SO glad that you are seeing what is going on now. She only wants you to help her and bail her out and you cannot possibly be her friend, when she has left you for another man.
It does happen inh other cases though, as my husband ex, who was divorcing him and having an affair, still expected him to pay all of her house hold bills, help her out with all sorts of things and wanted to be 'friends', even after the divorce. This was until I came along and enabled him to see what was going on.He was being taken for a fool, and even a year after we married she was STILL wanting him to go round and help her with paperwork and other things and so then I put my foot down and he told her that this wasnt going to happen anymore and she wasnt to contact him again.
She had done what your wife has done, made her decision to choose another man and she cannot have him and you as well.
As for the money, tell her that she can have the cheque when she has given you the cheque for the money that she owes you.Why should you loose out?
Stop paying ANYTHING for her, she is no longer your responsibity, she and this other man have to provide for themselves. They are living together and have a baby on the way and have to be responsible for that. if she cant afford to run a car then it wont kill her, I have never had my own car.
Glad that you are sorting things out with lagel people,hope that they get you a fair deal.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/9/2009 6:40:02 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
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E-mail her about the check, tell her you have it, but she needs to sign it over to you.
She will have a fit, like you are stealing her dead mother's money...
Offer to give her $50 out of it when she signs it. Tell her you need the money for the divorce lawyer.
Your lown money is long gone, last thing she is planning is to pay you back.
Repo the car, after you cash the check. Just go get the car and leave her a note, if you ask her to bring the car back it may very well not be in the best of shape. For $50 you can get the ignition re keyed if you don't get her key back.
Better get the paprwork started, she is planning to pin the baby bill on you.
This is not over, she will still end up on your door step crying, be ready for that. Don't believe what she says, believe only actions.
Stay strong, pray!
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/23/2009 3:16:16 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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I went ahead with the no contact thing and did not even tell her about the check. She has to give me back the money as promised anyway. I was doing well with not talking to her because it allows me to heal some. But now she has sent me a message on Facebook saying, I need to talk to you sometime..... I ignored it, thinking that if it was important, she would tell me what it was about. Besides, the other guy has been commenting on other peoples pages and does not seem worried at all. So, she is doing fine, or at least not letting him know if she is missing me to much. My thought is that she wants to reestablish contact and say she does not want to go to the counseling session that was to be at the end, which is only next wednesday. THen again it could be something to do with the check or her ultrasound apointment next week on the 27th.
Anyway it goes, I don't really care unless she wants to leave him.... and I doubt that. I even wrote out a message to send, but didn't. I cut some of it out, but here is the rest:
I am trying to get over you. Every time I see a message about you or a note from you, I take a step backwards instead of going forward. Every time I hear from you, I take a giant leap backwards. And every time I see you, I have to start all over again. It is hard enough because I have to live in that house with all of our stuff and the reminders of all the great memories that are dashed to pieces. I cannot do this anymore. You need to leave me alone, period. I will never get over what has happened anyway, so I am just trying to get by and eventually move on.
Anyhow, I thought I was doing good and was prepaired to see her at the appointment, but now I feel miserable. She has no clue what I am going through. This message is full of I's, butI no longer care how she feels. She has done enough to hurt me and I want her out of my life as long as she continues, because all it takes is contact to remind me now. I cannot bear to deal with her this way anymore.
I have a vacation coming the week after next. Supposed to go to the family vacation spot at Lake Erie, but I don't imagine it will be very fun. I went breifly with my dad and a friend a week ago, but could not really enjoy it. I don't want to ruin their vacation either. I would just rather take off by myself somewhere at least for part of the vacation. Preferably to a beach, but it would need to be on a coast. Maybe I could just drive up to Cleveland since I have never been there or some where along the lake. There is always Tony Packo's in Toledo, but I don't really think there is much there that I know of either. It's just that it seems eveything I do with my family just gives me the feeling something is missing and depresses me a bit. I don't know, maybe I am just facing it too much in some ways and trying too hard to ignor it in others. I guess it is weird. A lot of the time now I am wishing that the pain was over and done with and I could move on.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/23/2009 8:51:33 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Well done for keeping to the no contact thing. it really will help. If she has contacted you and wants to see you, ask her what it is about. f she wont tell you or it isnt important then dont see her and even if she does tell you then you dont have to do it. If she has to tell you something, then she can do it by e-mail or on the phone if it is really important and you dont have to meet.
She needs to know that as long as she is with him, there will be no contact especially about the baby scans or whatever.You dont need to be told anything about the baby. that will just make it more painful for you. it is nothing to do with you.Dont go back on it, it will, as you say open up the wounds and make it harder for you.
I wouldnt send any e-mails or explanations at all, just stay away and distant.
For the first year of our marriage, my husbands ex still kept wanting to see him for no reason(even though she had an affair and divorced himj, and I got fed up with it. She then said she wanted him to go round to her house and help her with something and I said that before he decided whether he should go or not, he needed to find out what it was about.He rang her and she went mad becuase he dared to ask what it was about and to stand up to her but as she woudnt tell him in advance he didnt go.Her loss.
Shortly after that,becuase she was still expecting him to see her and help her out with things , he had to be really firm and tell her that is wasnt going to happen anymore. They were divorced, he was now married to me and that was that. She stopped then, and there has been no contact since then (about 3 years ago).It was the best decision to stop all contact himself as she would never have done it herself.She had rejected him as her husband, but still expected him to be there for her just as your wife is, and you cant have it both ways.
Stick to your guns and wear this one out. it will get easier in time.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/24/2009 6:27:37 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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I know it is hard, but you are doing great on the no contact!
Completely ignore her, do not send her any message, if she has something to say let her say it.
As you noted everytime you speak to her, you give her back her power, she needs to stand on her own here.
I think you should plan something for your vacation something you like to do. Or something you would like to learn to do? Time away from the computer would do you good. There must be something you have always wanted to do or something you use to like but gave up?
Borrow a metal detector and go to the beach, something...
Keep up the hard work, you are doing great.
I look everyday for an update, you continue in my prayers.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/24/2009 11:35:22 PM
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firefighter38310
Posts: 24
Joined: 10/13/2008
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This is a recent event
My wife abused my 16 y/o. he was mine for a previous marriage and I was told by the DHS and the judge to leave my marriage if I wanted my son back as this has become a dysfunctional relationship between my son and her. She was charged with assault. I found out the same day when she was angry after court she had been having sexual relationships with a good friend of mine over quiet a period of time.
It honestly didn’t bother me. I wished him and her good luck but I told him he had better make sure she had plenty of Cymbalta because she was a non compliant bipolar individual and the only hope was prayer and Cymbalta. You can change no one else but your self and you can pray for them; that all.
My life has started over. It isn’t easy but I didn’t expect it to be. I have a 16 y/o son that needs some extra time with his dad and I am ready for that. I love him and miss him. Right now my prayers are with my soon to be ex. but she made life choices with out regards to spiritual values. Her lose or maybe her gain. Maybe I simply weren’t meeting some areas of her marital needs but I met mine and her spiritual needs. It was her choice to reject her marriage vows. I will honor mine until divorce is final. At the present I am not seeking any female companionship. I have my church and my son and a wonderful caring God who loves all of us even my ex.
I think when many of us experience the loss of a spouse especially through means as I have. God is aware and we need to be mindful that how we deal with these issues may turn out to be role models for others experiencing those with similar problems. We had a saying in the Navy Seals; the only easy day was yesterday”
_____________________________
if you want the mission accomlished overnight..dont call Fed-Ex call a Navy Seal Team
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/28/2009 6:01:20 PM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
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I have kept the silence with her. She text me yesterday to say she is having a girl. I was suprized that it did not bother me as much as I expected to hear from her. I think the anticipation was more than actually geting the message. I did not respond. I could not see her page on facebook without being her friend, but I could see what a friend of both of us commented to her photo. So I got to see the image of the ultrasound that way. I was a little too curious there I know. Then she tried calling me and I did not answer because I was busy and didn't really want to. She could not wait till tomorrow? The message said she wanted to tell me that she was having a girl and she was getting a pee test for a job at a bank. She will work 20 hours a week after training. That should be enough to cover her insurance payments, but not to pay me for the car. I guess I will have to reposes it still. She said he had a ford ranger still she could drive. She'll hate me, but I didn't chose this. The meeting is tomorrow at if she doesn't call to cancel tomorrow.
I want to tell her that I want the car back now, so she doesn't hurt it, although I doubt she would. I will say I will discontinue her phone number so she can keep it on a separate plan. And that if she wants anything from home, to make a list and I will get to it when I feel like going through the stuff. I do not want to see her, hear from her, run into her, or bump into any comments online, unless I am looking for the. I will say that if she wants to tell me something she will have to leave a message on my voicemail so I can give myself time to prepair to listen to it. I don't want to take a step back anymore. I can't say that I don't care or would not want her back, but I know she is not what I thought she was and she changed our perception of us no matter what. She has made this and has to face it.
I have imagined what it would be like and how confusing it would be to start another relationship and then want to go back. But now that person would be relying on you and more emotional. And it would seem so hard to hurt those feelings in the new person so you stay but don't know what to do. I can see that stress and anxiety can magnify those feelings and make you crazy.
She still cares about me, but does not want to come back. She said she hopes I am alright. I am not. The pain is still strong. I just try not to think of her more and I don't feel the same about her. She is not the same, so I can't get that part of her back. So, I am wanting to get the divorce, so I can move on and make friends without feeling guilty. I know what I want in a wife now and would like to look for friends that may lead to others in the future. I am resisting it more now because I know I am hurting and don't want to put that on someone else. I would probably wait a long time before seeing someone else, but I don't want to be attached to someone in this way.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/28/2009 9:38:34 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3397
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
She is not the same, so I can't get that part of her back.
When my first husband left me he changed so much that he was no longer the person I married. I grieved as though my husband had died. The problem was that the corpse was walking around and living with somebody else. It actually helped realizing that the person I had married no longer existed.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/28/2009 9:59:23 PM
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dksitecivil
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/26/2009
From: South Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
She is not the same, so I can't get that part of her back.
When my first husband left me he changed so much that he was no longer the person I married. I grieved as though my husband had died. The problem was that the corpse was walking around and living with somebody else. It actually helped realizing that the person I had married no longer existed.
I agree with Laura, my wife has left me for a "friend" and "Christian Brother". She is not anything close to I had thought I was married to. I am just now starting to see her for who she is or has become, not sure if I ever really knew her based on what has happened. So to some degree I can understand how much you must be hurting. I will pray for you Brother. Know that God has a plan for you also, if and a Big IF, you keep your eyes on Him and do the right thing. I have found it helps me also to realize that the person I was married to either never existed or no longer exists. Good points Laura.
God Bless.
_____________________________
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/28/2009 10:01:11 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1999
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
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mpen you are dong really well and making very sensible decisions. Not replying to any messages or the phone is a good idea. She will stop contacting you eventually if you carry on.I am not sure why she needed to tell you what she is having, isnt that just being rather cruel of her when the baby is nothing to do with you?
As for the new relatinship in the future, you have a lot of accepting and healing to do first. Personally it took me about 3 years before I felt emotionally ready to start to even consider another relationship. The times often mentioned are 3 to 5 years after a divorce although there can be a few exceptions.
Bless you, keep up the good work.
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/29/2009 9:27:50 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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Keep up the good work brother, I know it is hard, but not taking a step back is the right idea.
You might take a moment and read this thread from the start to see how far you have come.
I am curious to see if she attends the meeting and what is brought up. I feel sorry for her daughter she has a very self centered mother...
You are right in thinking it will take time until you are ready to trust someone again, make sure you take enough time.
Keep us posted, you remain in my prayers.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: My wife wants to leave me for a friend - 7/29/2009 1:53:26 PM
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MowTin
Posts: 32
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mpen
She still cares about me, but does not want to come back.
It doesn't matter how she "feels." Feelings come and go. It's her character that counts and it's what you DO that reveals your character.
You're overly focused on her "feelings" for you. Maybe she still cares about you. Maybe she still has feelings for you. Maybe she regrets. None of it matters. Look at what she did and what she is doing.
If she came back to you because she felt like she misses you it wouldn't matter. She should leave her adulterous relationship because it is immoral and sinful. How can someone who fears God continue to live happily in an adulterous relationship?
Could you imagine committing adultery and dumping your wife to live with another woman? I bet you could never do something so despicable.
I'm glad you're finally moving on.
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Re: - 8/1/2009 10:16:46 AM
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seoinxs
Posts: 1
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
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Wedding is a gift of God, relationship is made on sky, if you love your wife then understand her with politely, if she love you than he will back for you ,and left all that things who you are hated, so be confidence on your self.
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RE: Re: - 8/2/2009 1:47:00 AM
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Mpen
Posts: 68
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
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Ok, she missed the meeting, and I sent her a text and called but did not leave a message. The counselor called and left a message, so she called me later that night. She made the excuse that she thought it was the next day and that her phone was charging or something. I don't really care if it was true or not. While we were talking I asked if she wanted me to reschedule it and she said no. She then asked what would we be going for, to help us or for the marriage. She also said she didn't want to go to anyone at that church. So I asked if she wanted to go to somebody else and she said she didn't know. She just wanted to talk to me in person. Apparently she had wanted to talk to me that day she sent me a message, really bad. She is being more and more confused I think. I said we could talk the next day and went on. Later she said we would talk tomorrow and I mumbled maybe it would be the last time. She asked if it was better or worse for me during the 30 days. I said both and then said a little more better than worse. She went on with something else and didn't really respond to that.
The night before last she texted me at 5 in the morning saying you never really loved me. So I texted her breifly. Then I spent a little time with her yesterday to talk about things. She asked me why I didn't do all those little things for her anymore and stuff that showed that I loved her. She said I gave her flowers, but did not do other things. She was refering to before this stuff. She said I don't realize all of what she is going through herself. My comment to that was, but you have someone's shoulder to lean on. She went on about how he is not as understanding as me and is more course with her about things. she said earlier that he always bugs her about keeping up on things and calling people back and stuff, and I never bugged her like that. I just let it go and listened. I do remember telling her the same things from time to time, but I wasn't going to mention it. It reminds me of when I told her she would have the same problems with him as with me. Anyway, I kept asking if she wanted to do this or that, that night with me, just to get away from the house, and her comment was always that she didn't know what she was doing.
Here is the kicker..... She was confident when we started the 30 days and even posted a note on facebook with part refering to what she wanted most that had four things, one of which was a divorce. Yesterday she said she didn't know what she was doing and said she didn't know if she was thinking right or if the pregnacy was messing with her head. She said she knew she couldn't have both of us but still loved both of us. I said yeah, your not mormon! ok, a bit much. Then even though it was hurting me, I said that yeah, but you have made your decision. And then i said You can't just put off making a final decision until later. I didn't buy the pregnancy excuse as making her not able to decide. I know it is affecting her and she has to take different medicine for her anxiety, but I can't see that she is really confused that much. It looks to me that she is finally coming to the point where he is bothering her and she is really comparing us to see which was better. Yeah, I don't think so..... She was bearing her soul, wanting to talk about us and everything, so I was not going to have the conversation about her not being the same person. She thinks she is, but I know that person before had not done this, had not been with another man and all that. So, once somebody opens that door it changes things if they stay. I know thinks she can just come back anytime, but I suppose now is the time for me to take the action and hope she reacts right to it and does not hate me for it. I need to either tell her I am going to divorce her or just start the paperwork with an attorny. It is the only thing that will force her to make a decision. But I know that still wont stop things, because it does not end feelings or relationships and people get back together even after divorce. That is a lot of thought that means nothing right? I see that since I was away she forgot things she didn't like, remembered more of what she did like, and experienced more of what she didn't like from the other guy. And none of this even refers to God and what the Bible says. She has the sinners mantality that justifies itself and does not want others to judge them. I know she knows what she is doing and does not want to be preached at, so I can't save her in that way. I can only listen and hope God can wisper in her ear more and more.
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