Perfectionist Problems

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Perfectionist Problems - 10/22/2009 12:01:03 PM

Room2Grow

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My daughter (5 soon to be 6) is a perfectionist to the max- if she can't do it right, she doesn't want to do it at all (she did not walk in public until she was 18 months old- she would rather crawl than fall, but she would walk a little at home). She will collapse to tears if something is hard- I am careful to praise her work/effort (I will say things like- what is important is that you work hard- I don't want perfect, I just want your best). Daddy has discussed that mistakes can be good (learn from them) or bad (don't learn/change) and as long as she makes good mistakes, that is fine.

I don't think anything we do is too hard- if she cries about it this week, the next week she is saying how easy it is- it is just the exerting effort in thought or action that she rebells against. Has anyone dealt with this?

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Jennifer

Jesus knows me, this I love.

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RE: Perfectionist Problems - 10/22/2009 12:29:04 PM

Ellie-Mae

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Oh, yes. He is 12 now and still like that. He is better than he used to be though. He can almost learn by osmosis. He used to turn to tears for anything that he had to work at all for.

The biggest break through, oddly enough, was when he and his brother worked their way through a Zelda video game. As soon as there were tears or too much frustration, I would put it up. I would tell them that games were supposed to be fun. If it was causing them stress, then they needed a break from the game. Of course, they soon wanted to play again, and learned to control their tears. They would play each task of Zelda over and over again until they got it right and could pass to the next part. They would be SO excited as they conquered each hurdle.

When they reached a hurdle in school, I would liken it to the Zelda game. I would try to get him to see it as something to conquer and be proud of because it took extra work. I wouldn't praise him very much for the things that came easy in order to emphasize how proud I was of the things that took hard work (which usually wasn't that hard for him).

He used to melt if he did 5 pages of math perfectly and then got 1 wrong on the 6th page.

I would congratulate him at making it to the next quest. I also don't let him see his work while I am grading it. I would call him to me and ask him to answer the orally what he got wrong, still without showing him his work. That also saved me from the flood of tears... I still do that with my oldest daughter as well.

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"You can" makes no difference. "You will" changes the world.
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RE: Perfectionist Problems - 10/28/2009 2:32:08 PM

W.O.F.

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my oldest is very much like this...and the best piece of advice we got for it was from her violin teacher when she was 5....he told her "If you aren't making mistakes, you are not learning....."

Whenever she'd start to get upset about something not being "perfect"...we'd remind her that if she wasn't making mistakes...she wasn't learning.....

At 18...she still struggles with this...but she does get the concept.

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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."

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RE: Perfectionist Problems - 10/29/2009 9:06:58 AM

Room2Grow

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Alright- at least I know I'm not alone! I started to wonder if I had picked the wrong curriculum, etc., but I really (in my rational part) know I didn't since anything less would mean no learning for her. I think some of it is a control issue too since she is more than willing to learn about subjects of her own choosing!

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Jennifer

Jesus knows me, this I love.

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RE: Perfectionist Problems - 10/31/2009 11:47:45 PM

betterisoneday

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My older son is this way (just 7); a couple weeks ago I started doing similar to what Ellie-Mae said. There's a computer level game he likes to play and as soon as he becomes frustrated or starts crying about messing up that's the end of it for the day. So far I haven't seen a change in it but... now that I know there is a success story I'll keep at it!

I was like this growing up so I understand why he gets upset; sometimes (but not always) on... say math.. I'll have him work the problems on his own and then ask him to 'check' his work. As long as he's not tired he seems to take it 'better' if he finds/fixes it himself.

If you don't mind I'll join you in taking the suggestions from here.

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RE: Perfectionist Problems - 11/3/2009 3:22:24 PM

Room2Grow

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No problem- I'm always open to suggestions. It's just nice to know there are others like her out there and I'm not doing it "wrong"- it's just her, and with some encouragement, hopefully she'll grow out of it.

_____________________________

Jennifer

Jesus knows me, this I love.

Post #: 6

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