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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/19/2009 9:39:47 AM
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ppodmama
Posts: 753
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From: Midwest
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Mark,
Did you take the love language quiz yet? You could direct your wife to do the same thing. Ask her how you can love her better too. Tell her you want to love her better.
Then you could propose to her again, telling her you'd love a clean slate to start all over with and renew your vows when you get home. Then possibly start sending her a love letter every day, telling her what you love about her., even if it's just "I love your laugh" or things like that.
I keep praying. You stay hopeful!
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/19/2009 11:17:40 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
Mark,
Did you take the love language quiz yet? You could direct your wife to do the same thing. Ask her how you can love her better too. Tell her you want to love her better.
Then you could propose to her again, telling her you'd love a clean slate to start all over with and renew your vows when you get home. Then possibly start sending her a love letter every day, telling her what you love about her., even if it's just "I love your laugh" or things like that.
I keep praying. You stay hopeful!
I have taken the Love Language quiz. And i have realized, she is Quality time together, and Physical Touch. But, Sadly I can't do that, while I'm here, and i probably will never get that chance, because she is so committed, on letting the devil win.
She has said I've lost everything. And I don't know why she doesn't want to put her faith in God, and help us have a great marriage.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/19/2009 9:57:50 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 753
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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Mark, what did you end up with as your love language?
Also, while it's true you can't provide that for her right now, you can communicate that you understand that now, recall and recount times when you were able to, along with how much those things count as blessings to you, that you wish you had known these things before and your hopes to do those things in the future.
Focus on what can be done and what God can hold together!
Rooting for you in every way...(including prayer)
ppodmama
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 1:08:27 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
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My love language is Words of Affirmation.
But she has done nothing, but say negative things about me.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 7:47:54 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 193
Joined: 9/18/2007
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You should have left well enough alone when you had her on your side; she was going to let you come home for the Holidays. This daily bickering back and forth is childish and not productive in the least.
You need to give this some time.
You have my prayers.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 9:42:46 AM
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ppodmama
Posts: 753
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From: Midwest
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Don't give up hope Mark. I know it is so difficult because you are apart from her. Have you asked God to be Lord of your marriage and of the kind of husband you are and then entrusting your wife to Him that same way.
Billy Graham's wife's quote is priceless here.
"It's my job to love Billy. It's God's job to make him good."
You are always in control of your love for her and prayer can assure that you are doing what you need to, realizing you can't make her do anything.
I keep praying....you keep hanging in there!
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 11:57:44 AM
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spotnapp
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Still praying for your marriage and your safe return! Thank you again for the service you are doing for our country!!
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 2:08:55 PM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
Don't give up hope Mark. I know it is so difficult because you are apart from her. Have you asked God to be Lord of your marriage and of the kind of husband you are and then entrusting your wife to Him that same way.
Billy Graham's wife's quote is priceless here.
"It's my job to love Billy. It's God's job to make him good."
You are always in control of your love for her and prayer can assure that you are doing what you need to, realizing you can't make her do anything.
I keep praying....you keep hanging in there!
That is a great quote. I wish my wife could see this. And take things to heart. But I have no idea, where her heart is, and where her faith is.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/20/2009 2:22:12 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 753
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From: Midwest
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mark, I know it's hard, but that faith stuff is between her and, God focus on what you CAN do. It's tough, I won't lie. I struggle with my own things too. But focusing on what you can't do probably just makes you more anxious than anything. I know you want her to pick up her end of the stick, and she should. But it's gonna be up to God and her when and if she will. So back to the quote...What CAN YOU do today to express your love? And, like dropping off a gift from a secret admirer, do your loving thing and run off.....
try it.
Could you use a good belly laugh right now, just for a breather?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17PEUZvoxho
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/21/2009 10:06:31 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Thanks Everyone.
I'm getting the cold shoulder, or she has changed her number to where I can't contact her. She is really making it serious, and making serious mistakes. She doesn't realize what she is doing, because she has quit putting her faith in God.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
mark, I know it's hard, but that faith stuff is between her and, God focus on what you CAN do. It's tough, I won't lie. I struggle with my own things too. But focusing on what you can't do probably just makes you more anxious than anything. I know you want her to pick up her end of the stick, and she should. But it's gonna be up to God and her when and if she will. So back to the quote...What CAN YOU do today to express your love? And, like dropping off a gift from a secret admirer, do your loving thing and run off.....
try it.
Could you use a good belly laugh right now, just for a breather?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17PEUZvoxho
[/quote
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/22/2009 4:46:03 PM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Mark: I am honestly sorry for all the bad things I've ever done. And they will never happen again. God is great. And I put my full faith in him.
Mark: I'm still working on a hotel room. I don't know, how I'm going to afford it.
bethaniejo_2006: I thought you were renting?call travel lodge
BJP&SLP<3
Mark: So you are really with another Guy?
Mark: I knew you were unfaithful!
Mark: Why can't I ever be right about a woman?
bethaniejo_2006: no Damn it i already told you what that means! I knew you wood keep sayin that
Mark: BJP - Bethanie Jo Penick & SLP - Steven Paschall.
Mark: Show me, there isn't another guy.
bethaniejo_2006: What!ha ha bull
Mark: You've changed your name back to Penick, your not trying with me.
Mark: You've stopped talking to your best friend because she said you were doing me wrong.
bethaniejo_2006: How can i show you what do you want me to do?!
Mark: You could try with me. I'm leading my heart to you. And God is helping me change for the better.
Look at the BJP & SLP - this right there proves to me, she is having an affair with someone else. But she refuses to admit to it.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/22/2009 4:53:16 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4032
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I'm just going to go ahead and say it...
Your part of the conversation sounds incredibly immature. No matter what she's done, if you want a life with her, you're going to have to change the way you communicate.
Also, online communication may be better than nothing but it is *not* a good place to resolve serious conflicts and issues. One the phone, maybe, but face to face even better, and for the two of you, with a third party mediating, IMO.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/22/2009 5:03:11 PM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I'm just going to go ahead and say it...
Your part of the conversation sounds incredibly immature. No matter what she's done, if you want a life with her, you're going to have to change the way you communicate.
Also, online communication may be better than nothing but it is *not* a good place to resolve serious conflicts and issues. One the phone, maybe, but face to face even better, and for the two of you, with a third party mediating, IMO.
Can I ask you, what I said was immature? Its just me going off what she is saying.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/22/2009 11:17:35 PM
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ptz
Posts: 12
Joined: 5/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mark_2006
Mark: I am honestly sorry for all the bad things I've ever done. And they will never happen again. God is great. And I put my full faith in him.
Mark: I'm still working on a hotel room. I don't know, how I'm going to afford it.
bethaniejo_2006: I thought you were renting?call travel lodge
BJP&SLP<3
Mark: So you are really with another Guy?
Mark: I knew you were unfaithful!
Mark: Why can't I ever be right about a woman?
bethaniejo_2006: no Damn it i already told you what that means! I knew you wood keep sayin that
Mark: BJP - Bethanie Jo Penick & SLP - Steven Paschall.
Mark: Show me, there isn't another guy.
bethaniejo_2006: What!ha ha bull
Mark: You've changed your name back to Penick, your not trying with me.
Mark: You've stopped talking to your best friend because she said you were doing me wrong.
bethaniejo_2006: How can i show you what do you want me to do?!
Mark: You could try with me. I'm leading my heart to you. And God is helping me change for the better.
Look at the BJP & SLP - this right there proves to me, she is having an affair with someone else. But she refuses to admit to it.
I was looking at the BJP & SLP post, I don't understand what you mean by that post proving something?? Unless I am missing something. Now, when you say she changed her name, do you mean she changed it from her married last name (I am assuming here that she took your last name), and changed it back to her maiden name while you have been deployed?. Also, one other concern I have, is that if she is having an affair, and you two have a child, I am kind of concerned about this 'strange man' being around your young child. I mean, he could be 'dangerous' or a bad influence or something. It may be something you want to talk to the chaplain about to get some advice. Just to make sure that your child is still safe. What do you need a hotel room for? is this for when you go back for a visit?? When you go back , is your house on base? It seems like you are doing everything you can do to want to work on your marriage. It takes 'two' and she has to want to be an active participant in improving your marriage in order for it to heal.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/23/2009 4:42:53 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ptz
quote:
ORIGINAL: mark_2006
Mark: I am honestly sorry for all the bad things I've ever done. And they will never happen again. God is great. And I put my full faith in him.
Mark: I'm still working on a hotel room. I don't know, how I'm going to afford it.
bethaniejo_2006: I thought you were renting?call travel lodge
BJP&SLP<3
Mark: So you are really with another Guy?
Mark: I knew you were unfaithful!
Mark: Why can't I ever be right about a woman?
bethaniejo_2006: no Damn it i already told you what that means! I knew you wood keep sayin that
Mark: BJP - Bethanie Jo Penick & SLP - Steven Paschall.
Mark: Show me, there isn't another guy.
bethaniejo_2006: What!ha ha bull
Mark: You've changed your name back to Penick, your not trying with me.
Mark: You've stopped talking to your best friend because she said you were doing me wrong.
bethaniejo_2006: How can i show you what do you want me to do?!
Mark: You could try with me. I'm leading my heart to you. And God is helping me change for the better.
Look at the BJP & SLP - this right there proves to me, she is having an affair with someone else. But she refuses to admit to it.
I was looking at the BJP & SLP post, I don't understand what you mean by that post proving something?? Unless I am missing something. Now, when you say she changed her name, do you mean she changed it from her married last name (I am assuming here that she took your last name), and changed it back to her maiden name while you have been deployed?. Also, one other concern I have, is that if she is having an affair, and you two have a child, I am kind of concerned about this 'strange man' being around your young child. I mean, he could be 'dangerous' or a bad influence or something. It may be something you want to talk to the chaplain about to get some advice. Just to make sure that your child is still safe. What do you need a hotel room for? is this for when you go back for a visit?? When you go back , is your house on base? It seems like you are doing everything you can do to want to work on your marriage. It takes 'two' and she has to want to be an active participant in improving your marriage in order for it to heal.
Bethanie Jo Penick (My wife with her madien name), and Steven L Paschall (The guy that she claims is just a friend, or cousin).
I wish she would quit playing games with me. ANd be honest. I'm ready for the honest truth.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/23/2009 8:35:50 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4032
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Mark, I'm not saying your part of the conversation was the only immature part. She sounds like she's about 13 (I personally think texting regresses maturity in a lot of, but anyway).  Thing is, the only thing you can change is you, and how you relate to her, and how you carry on conversations.
quote:
BJP&SLP<3
Mark: So you are really with another Guy?
Mark: I knew you were unfaithful!
Mark: Why can't I ever be right about a woman?
bethaniejo_2006: no Damn it i already told you what that means! I knew you wood keep sayin that
This. Anything else would have been better. A woman may be morally loose, but if you lead in with "You loose woman, you...", you're not going to get a calm, honest conversation out of that. If you want a relationship with her, even after forgiveness and reconciliation, what you wrote was not a useful step towards that.
You could have said "I know you say that guy is a friend but the way you present it makes it look more than that, and that hurts me."
quote:
Mark: Show me, there isn't another guy.
How could she show you, you are on seperate continents? If she's unfaithful and you know it, that's a silly thing to ask. If she is faithful, she can't prove it to you across an ocean.
At this point it doesn't seem like she's interested in reconciling. And you can't fix it from such a distance anyway. At this point your main concern should be the child's safety and well-being. You are responsible for that and you have legal rights, but as far as the marriage goes, if she's not willing, there's nothing you can do.
_____________________________
Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/23/2009 4:07:53 PM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Well I don't know what else to do. She is wanting the devil to win.
Who knows, maybe on my leave she will see. But i doubt it, since I will only be there for under 10 mins. before she kicks me out.
I'm bringing my lawyer, and a "cop escort" with me, to get my little girl. Its a precaution, because she might say something to ruin my career, or press false charges, and the cops will go with her, and not with me. But if I have a lawyer there, and a Cop present, then nothing like that can happen.
I guess, I just need to start, moving on. Start praying for a stronger heart. One that will let me sign the papers, to let her go. Since she so badly wants to go.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/23/2009 4:22:43 PM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Smart move, Mark.
I wish there were a cure-all for this type of situation, but there isn't. You have to do the best you can with what you're given.
Thanks. I will update, when I can. Maybe one day, she will come around. If not, I need the power to sign the papers, so she can go on, and ruin her life, but not ruin mine. She doesn't know what she is losing in me. She can't forgive, and she is just seeing me as the old me. Not the "re-born" me with Christ.
My leave starts in 2 weeks. So maybe, for Christmas, I could have my wife and child. But, right now its going to be fight, just to get my child.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/23/2009 9:50:11 PM
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ptz
Posts: 12
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mark_2006
Thanks. I will update, when I can. Maybe one day, she will come around. If not, I need the power to sign the papers, so she can go on, and ruin her life, but not ruin mine. She doesn't know what she is losing in me. She can't forgive, and she is just seeing me as the old me. Not the "re-born" me with Christ.
My leave starts in 2 weeks. So maybe, for Christmas, I could have my wife and child. But, right now its going to be fight, just to get my child.
I'm sorry that she isn't working hand in hand with you on improving your marriage. I think that it is a good idea that you are getting a cop escort and lawyer with you to get your child. I think that is a top priority, is keeping your child safe while you are gone. Make sure that you have all of your documents in order (i.e bank accounts, tax accounts,vehicle payments, bills etc) all in order, because if you do end up filing for divorce, and it makes her mad (eventhough you said that she wants one), she may try and sabotage you with your bank accounts ( i,e drain them), and joint bills (i.e NOT pay them, and ruin your credit), if you have left her in charge of bills while you are gone etc. You are in a hard and stressful situation. If she is not willing restore and be a partner in healing your marriage, you might think about moving on. Yet, you should see what happens when you come back for Christmas. Try and take care of yourself the best that you can while you are over there also.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/25/2009 10:29:44 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Mark: Good Night. I Love You. I Miss You. I wish I could hold you. And Kiss You. I need some love. Its too stressful here right now.
bethaniejo_2006: Im sorry things came to this im sorry i have been mean. Iam mean.its just so hard i cant believe we hurt each other so bad and i dont love you anymore im sorry
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/25/2009 3:21:42 PM
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spotnapp
Posts: 99
Joined: 7/19/2009
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Mark,
My heart really hurts for you right now with having to deal with such a burdensome load trying to serve your country in a hostile country, and having to fight for your marriage. One of the biggest things I learned while going through my own marital trial is that love is not a feeling (which we all no they can change at the drop of a hat) but a choice to be committed to someone. Here's an example; I love my 3 kids and I would never say I just don't love them anymore because they are my life and I am committed to them for life. If that is true for my kids, and anyone else in my life, then it should be more so for my husband because God's Word commands us to leave and cleave to our spouse [Genesis 2:24 (King James Version)
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.]
I know I basically told my DH the same thing when things turned rocky for us, and I had withdrawn my self emotionally from him a very long time ago, but through the grace of God my husband showed me he could help bring back those mutual feelings of "love" between us. We still are trying to work through 16 years of no or very bad communication, but we are learning to lean on God and I have learned that I love him and no him better than I ever have. I know right now your wife is basically shutting you out and does not really hear anything you try to tell her but maybe you can pray before going to her and trying to explain this to her. Actually that is another VERY BIG thing I'm learning is to always pray before having any discussions with my DH! I can tell you is a HUGE difference from when I do and when I don't. When I don't we both normally normally end up very heated and isolated from each other but when I pray before going to my DH God sends his grace things are much more peaceful and we end up closer after words.
I continue to pray for your safety and for restoration of your marriage.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/27/2009 8:36:10 AM
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proudchristian2009
Posts: 173
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Yesterday was the worst thanksgiving I've ever had.
I'm away from my family, and my wife doesn't love me or anything. Nor does she even care about the covenant we set with God for our life long commitment to each other.
It was cold, and rainy in Iraq. Who would have thought it?
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/27/2009 8:57:35 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1602
Joined: 5/23/2006
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Mark
I am so sorry to hear your day was not good, but if you can find a quite place and meditate on the Lord I am sure He will reveal Himself to you and send His love and peace to comfort you. Do you have a small Bible that you could read a Psalms or two? There are so many Psalms that offer encouragement.
As you talk to God put your marriage in His hands. He wants to help you. Whether she files for divorce or not is out of your hands. Ask God to work in both your hearts and leave it alone so HE CAN.
Your constant going back and forth with her on the computer is not good and could put your safety in jeopardy.
The computer is good for some things, but not for managing a relationship in so much need of repair. Why can't you just not talk to each other for awhile and give God time and space to work?
Our prayers are with you
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT 
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