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Ngale -> RE: Either Wife Or Mother (11/8/2009 6:30:47 AM)
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Thank you for interesting in my problems.
I think I should ask "How to do?" instead of "What to do?". Because if I were someone stranger, I could advice myself, but in reality I cannot imagine a step toward the decision.
My first request on a little different aspect of the situation was posted here. Please refer for the details and the answers for some of your questions.
herestoresmysoul wrote:
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Tell your mum what the problem is (you could write)and maybe she will appologise.
I tried. The problem is that my wife does not believe it. Unfortunately, she's very likely right. To clear it, let me explain how the wall has grown.
At the beginning, when we had just come, my wife thought almost highly of my relatives. But then changes went on.
1. She discovered that they are ill-mannered. And the point is not that they did not graduate Oxford. The point is that they call themselves Christians and behave much worse than secular people. She compares to her parents usually. Sometimes my cousin's words shocked my wife. But this was just a half of the brick.
2. My mother did not make a present for my wife as for a fiancee or a daughter-in-law. But she tried in a bad way. Better, if she would not. The mother promised to my wife to buy a scarf a number of times, although the wife said "Thank you, it's not necessary". That was shame for me, because if one is going to bring a gift, one just does so. But finally my mother gave money and told "Buy something for yourselves". That was greater shame. But my wife still had an intention to communicate.
3. My wife was registered at my aunt's flat. After a while suddenly the aunt refused registration to my wife, bringing excuses and making not trusted reasons. My wife still bore it.
4. My mother and her husband (who looks like the most sane and conscientious person of them) promised to buy either a car or a computer to help us starting. But finally they didn't. My wife kept relations.
5. My mother came during my absence and made various equvocal hints to my wife, like that she has spoken by phone to my former wife and the former wife names her "Ma" (my current wife treats by name). Or when my wife was ill, the mother asked her with distrust "Is it because of me?" Of course, no current wife wants to hear this kind of things. But mine stood.
6. Several times things happened like that. I talked a number of times, in the presence of my wife or without her. Finally, I took a desicion to call a family meeting and talk over all. At that meeting, the new point was encountered.
When my wife had to be registered at my aunt's flat, the clerk asked: " for 3 months or for 1 year?" My wife asked: " is it possible for 1 year? If so, yes." She thought this is better not to make an old woman move every three months for the procedure. My aunt signed the papers without any reluctance shown openly. And then she said at our meeting that they should register my wife for 3 months only, but my wife "poked her head into the reception window and they did what she wanted". I was discouraged with this foolness and just asked: "So, all this tme, over a year, you have been thinking my wife made a dishonest act?" And my aunt said: "It's like that".
That was too much.
How can we have dinner together? If they thought my wife was a deceiver, then they should rebuke this as Christians, and don't look for contacts. But if my wife is not guilty, then they are slanderers, and I rebuked them, and as so as they are not sorry, we must not have relations, in accordance with The New Testament.
That was about my aunt and her daughter mostly. The question about my mother was either she stays with me, or with my wife's enemy. In the first case my wife could forget that my mother hurted her also. But the mother said it's impossible to break relations with a sister.
After a while, in the morning at Easter, my mother called me and said "Forgive me". I was sleepy yet and told "Forgive me, too", and hung up. Then a great scandal fired at home, I called back, said mother not to call any more, and the last brick was laid into the wall.
herestoresmysoul wrote:
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Do any of your family know about the baby?
I did not inform my mother and others. But my son called me on my birthday and I told him that he has got a sister, don't tell to anybody else. I don't know whether he kept a secret. At least, he told me that my mother came this year to see him, and that is her who has given him my phone number. And she has got the number from my work. My wife insisted on that I would tell at my work not to give my phone number to any outsider. But I think this was ignored.
Kat_D wrote:
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Is your wife a Christian? If so, how does she justify her behavior in light of the Scriptures?
14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."-Hebrews 12
Is she? Am I? Or shall we ever be? Please read the link at the beginning for details. The only thing I can say is that she is very exact regarding others who pretends to be a Christian. And in response of your citation she would say "Yes, so we must be as far away from the bitter root (your dear damned mum) as possible" . Anyway, I'm not a one whom she's going to listen to. And there's nobody else whom I know to be allowed to preach her, just Christ Himself.
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you need to take steps to change it.
Yes. How?
bolt wrote:
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Has she shown signs of post-partum depression?
No. We have been waitng for that. I stayed with her during delivery. 2 years before the pregnancy with gemini interrupted. I thought we had been not forgiven by God. But suddenly we have got a healthy and beatiful girl, though doctors were not optimistic. The baby is the only reason to be happy for both me and her.
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Was she more reasonable before she got pregnant (only taking offense at significant events?)
Same.
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I think you should cuddle into the household with your wife and baby for a month or two, helping a lot with the home affairs
First weeks I left work 2-3 times a day to execute something for home. At my work, all comings and leavings are logged. Then my director had given me a list of my working time. That's why we called to my wife's parents asking her mother to come. She did so. Please see here.
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Tell her that you are comfortable with a peaceable-but-distant relationship with your mom and/or son.
Yes, that's the only way, if there is one possible at all. For my wife, my mother is a demon, and making a connection with her is calling Satan.
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Also, have you forgiven your mother for her actions?
At the beginning, not. But the problem is not my shame for her and not my offence. The problem is that they slander my wife and they must apologize. And after that, they must ask God for the same because my wife's parents and relatives now think that Christ does not save. I stood for my wife.
But now I changed a little. My wife is very exact to others but she seldom admits her own guilt. I mentioned that her mother came to help and to free me for work. And on the third day my wife called me at work and complained of her own mother that she does not want to do what is needed. Oh, God! If her mother cannot do what she wants, then who can? I was forced to come home. And some other happens prove that her relatives are just human beings with their own efforts and faults. Then why should my mother be special?
A few days later my wife bombarded me with abuse for something in presence of her mother. They were in the kitchen, and I was in the room. She spoke loudly for 40-50 minutes, so that our neighbours could hear. At last, I lost peace of my mind and we quarrelled. I was more patient before. Once she cried over 3 hours at me loudly in the kitchen, mentioning even my dead grandparents with bad words, although she's not seen them, and neighbours heard, I believe. Sometimes she beats me, twice injured my eye till it bled, once had beaten with a stick, so that my collegue who saw my arm on the third day, asked what's happened. Not so far she pointed a knife at me and I said "go on". The further we go the faster I lose self-control. I beat her in respond, and then I'm sorry feeling guilty.
For instance, yesterday it was a day-off, which I must use for extra work. I've got three offers last month, and took money in advance, but I'm not in time to complete, because 5 weeks passed, and it goes in the same way each time. She sleeps till 12 o'clock, then this and that, then she wants to walk with a baby, when it's already 16:00. I told I have to earn money because right now we have nothing and are supposed to pay for electricity and phone.
The problem is to find an offer, but also I must complete the previous ones before. She blamed me that I don't love the child. I said that I can stay with her all the day, then who is going to work? In this case, would not it better if my mother helped since your own is also not an angel? And the scandal began. For I mentioned my mother, she came up holding baby in arms and hit my head and face. 2 minutes later I almost was going to do the same.
Then I left for work, but in such cases I have a very bad mood, everything falls out of hands. And this happens 3 times a week. After a while she called me and told to buy something. She was more peaceful. But when we were going to sleep, we quarreled again.
Her parents came back to their country and told to others that "Grandmother does not come to see the granddaughter". And the others say: "What an awful woman!". But I ask: "How do you know that she is alive at all? Why don't you say to the others, that Grandmother has been told not to come at all?"
My wife says "May you die with your mother the snake, and I'll be free". And you know what? If my mother dies and somebody calls me (I really doubt), then I will buy a luxurious cake and flowers, and when my wife will ask what's the matter, I will just tell with smile that we've got good news, I will tell you later. I'll be merry and will dance. And when she eats the cake, and will be pleased and interested, I will announce: gladden yourself! My mother the snake has died.
Jesus said that nobody can steal us from His hands. Was our confession wrong? Has God cursed us? If so, then why has He given us such a baby? I'm absolutely sure that if things go like that (and I have not told much), then it's better for a child if we divorce.
I tried to make peace by keeping silence, by turning it into joke, by putting arms around, against desire - beating, and nothing helped generally. Recently I was successful being silent but she sent me outdoors at 3 o'clock, I slept in the car and got sick. Is it the way?
That's a pity I could not stay with silence. At least, she would not blame me for beating. It's really complicated because you never know where a talk ends and a quarrel starts. And anyway it's not good if a child observes such attitude to her father. But my position in my wife's eyes is not a husband, not a man at all, because have taken her from good conditions and put into troubles, cannot earn money, don't have a flat, and cannot nurse a baby, son of the snake. And since I'm nothing, I cannot control the family.
I never discussed this before thinking that it's not good talking of her, if she does not know, but it's all over, one lie less, one lie more - no difference. I want somebody to talk with.
Thank you and sorry if I won't be able to answer in full. I've spent the rest of night to write as much as possible.
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