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dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/10/2009 6:50:32 PM
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bmello
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Joined: 11/10/2009
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I'm reaping what I've sown. My girlfriend is pregnant. She is 19. I'm 31 years old. Yes I am ashamed of what we've done. We've both backslidden through the 1 year we've been dating and I knew it. Now we're seeing our consequence. Is it better we marry as a result of this or try to work things out as single parents in a relationship?
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/10/2009 8:03:00 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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The first thing is that you both need to come back to God and repent and ask Him for clear guidance.If you have been dating for a year, I cant see why you cant marry. Presumably you love each other to be together that long?. Even if you dont marry you will be connected to her for all of the childs life and will have to pay child support for about 18 years or so which may not go down too well if you meet another lady but as you say there are consequenses.
The main thing now is the baby.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/10/2009 8:03:32 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2732
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Welcome to the forum, Bmello. You'll find a lot of caring people here.
Are you a Christian? Is your girlfriend a Christian? Go talk to your pastor, or go get one if you don't have one. You need wise advice and people to stand with you.
If you are a Christian then you (and she) need to get right with God, which is in 1 John 1: 9:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
We confess (say we sinned), repent (stop sinning but go do the right thing) and our sin gets nailed to the cross of Calvary and God remembers it no more. Amazing, isn't it?
So make arrangements however you need to to be sure you don't sin again - God calls sex before marriage fornication. Look up 1 Thes. 4:3 to see that God indeed calls fornication sin (I've got a dozen or more verses, too, but you can look them up yourself at www.biblegateway.com).
You are a parent now, and your first thought must be the best interests of your child. Your child will do best in a married, two-parent family. If you are both Christians, then can you marry this young lady? Are your parents and her parents in favor of that? Do you love her?
If that isn't going to work, I'd strongly suggest you two agree to give this child up for adoption so it can have a married, two-parent family. There are many people who want children but have empty arms who would pour their lives, time and wealth into this child.
Thank you for not aborting your child. Get one of those 3D images and you can see your baby so clear - it will blow your mind. They have a heartbeat at 24 days and brainwaves at 28 days. Wow.
God bless you and your gf and give you wisdom and comfort. I am praying for all 3 of you tonight! 
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/11/2009 1:28:55 PM
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3tulips
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Do you have a local church where you 2 can go to for marriage counseling? Pre-marital counseling might be a good idea since neither of you have been married before. At 19, she might have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work or what the road ahead of her will be like, but then again you probably don't either.
Is adoption an option or does she want to keep your baby?
_____________________________
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/13/2009 2:02:43 AM
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bmello
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Hi, thanks for responding. We are both believers, I accepted the Lord Jesus as my personal Savior in 2005. She recently did 2 years ago. As of now we haven't announced to anyone about this. We plan to talk to our pastor for counseling on what to do. As far as marriage, we haven't told each other that we love each other. Honestly I'm not sure if I do, that's the problem. My thoughts if we marry now because of the baby, how will the marriage do later on? I want to do the right thing and be responsible as a father but I'm worried if we get married can it last since we started this relationship disobeying Gods Word. Thanks for the prayers and advice, I do appreciate it.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/13/2009 6:31:40 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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I do believe that a marriage can last and even be really good after you have disobeyed him. If both are truly repentant and want to do the right thing nothing is impossible to God.He has washed you both clean.
I just wonder if you dont love each other why did you stay together for a yearr?That is a long time to be with a person who you dont love and dont want to marry.
If you dont marry there may be many consequenses. If you meet another person. Will she want you to have another women in your marriage for many many years?Will she grow to resent you having to see the other lady regularly?Will she be Ok with you paying a lot of money to the mum and child every month? Can you earn enough to suport two families?
I think that if you feel enough for her to stay with her for this long and to sleep with her then there is enough there to work with. God can and does give us love for people in a miraculous way. I have seen this happening.The child does change things.You are both that childs parents and that child does need 2 reliable parents preferably full time.
Pray thay God will make it clear, but dont use the excuse that God will not bless your marriage. He will do after true repentance (which I am sure you have done now)
Good idea to see the pastor.Its always helpful to get godly advice.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/13/2009 8:26:38 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Did you ever intend to marry her, or was she just a convenient warm body?
If your intent from the start included considering marriage, then the fact that you sinned doesn't mean your marriage is doomed to failure. And your baby would benefit from a loving, intact home, instead of the drama of "new relationships" and going between two households and having step-families and such. If marriage was already a consideration, don't use this as an excuse to get cold feet. Marriages last and grow beautiful because the two people involved love God, obey him, and view love as an action rather than just a mess of fuzzy feelings.
If you were both just using each other, marriage right this second probably won't help things, since marriages between two self-centered and self-serving people rarely last long. 
But either way, with a baby in the mix both of you are going to have to grow up and pull it together now. That means you both stop thinking about what will please you or be comfortable for you, and start thinking about what will benefit this child. Whether you marry or not, you two are bound together for at least the next 18 years because of the child, so best determine that you will do whatever it takes to work together to raise your baby and give him the best possible family life. If you aren't sure about marriage, watching each other make life changes and sacrifices for your mutual offspring may end up leading to marraige anyway.
Get into some good Biblical counseling that will help you deal with your sin and repentance, and with your relationship.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 11/13/2009 8:34:27 AM >
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/14/2009 12:16:02 AM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
Is it better we marry as a result of this or try to work things out as single parents in a relationship?
Not saying you love her speaks loudly....
Do not marry unless that is what you both desire and feel the Lord is pointing you both in that direction... have a godly foundation and love for each other in your hearts.
(It hasn't been that long ago when another lady on here posted about marrying the father of her baby - it was done out of obligation and both of them are miserable because of it.)
It is very important to get your relationship with the Lord on firm foundation.
Repent of your fornication.
Take a parenting class if you have no hands on experience with infants.
Face your responsibilities - support your child, provide for the mother-to-be... you played and now, you have to pay.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/15/2009 5:05:09 PM
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heremainsfaithful
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From: Alabama
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I agree that marrying just because she is pregnant is not the best choice. If God bring you two together and you grow to love each other, you can always marry later. I have a wonderful friend who did that. The knew marrying was the wrong decision at the time, but as time passed, their relationship grew. If you don't marry, yes, marrying someone else one day may bring complications, but again, NOT a reason to marry this girl.
Repentance is key to both of your psiritual growth and well-being. And don't forget I John 1:9. Yes, sin has consequences, but God will not see you as "the guy who got a girl pregnant." God sees you as His child who is forgiven and made new. Sometimes we forget that.
I do also applaud you for not just "taking care of it" and trying to go on with life. Many people do that these days. As someone who is herself adopted, I am so glad that I was allowed to live.
_____________________________
Jer. 29:11, II Tim. 2:13, Jude 24, 25
https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=58896
Eihstein's IQ may be higher than mine, but God's IQ is higher than anyone's.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/17/2009 8:22:27 AM
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ForEternity
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There are pros and cons for getting married or not getting married too. One consideration is, as I heard it from someone wise saying that "the least parents can do for their children is that they love each other". Do you love her? Does she love you? On the other hand, kids need solid family background and you can provide for a new family not only financially but for the child to grow up in a whole family. You will probably need to sort out your priorities and see on which side of life you can sacrifice for family and how it can make you and everyone else happy, and what you feel as obligation in addition to being clear on what you yourself want out of life. What does your girlfriend want? This is a decision you will have to make together. Pray and seek God's ways.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/20/2009 4:58:23 PM
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bmello
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quote:
Did you ever intend to marry her, or was she just a convenient warm body?
I wouldn't go as far as saying she was just a convenient warm body. The intent of the relationship is to see if it may lead to marriage. Like I mentioned we started as friends enjoying eachothers company but became physical too soon. I genuinely do care about her even though I haven't said I love her just yet. At this point, we're both seeking Godly counsel and in light that this is our wake up call to put God first again in our lives instead of each other.
quote:
What does your girlfriend want?
She wants to do the right and take care of the baby also. As far as marriage we're not goign to jump into that yet. She doesn't have medical insurance so thats our priority right now is the baby.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/20/2009 7:31:48 PM
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heremainsfaithful
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I will add this. I know people whose parents did marry because they "had to." Yes, there was a man and a woman in the house, and they wore rings. But it was a miserable life, and neither of these people I know EVER want to marry because of the picture of marriage they saw growing up Some do not agree with this,but I believe marriage is about more than sucking it up and doing something. It's about more than "play the hand you were dealt." In a true, loving, healthy marriage, there is practical commitment and love. There is care and respect and conversation. That is what kids need to see.
_____________________________
Jer. 29:11, II Tim. 2:13, Jude 24, 25
https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=58896
Eihstein's IQ may be higher than mine, but God's IQ is higher than anyone's.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/21/2009 1:12:50 PM
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silent12
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I would say that at the moment the baby should be the focus, like you said. And if in a year or two you are still happy together then you can think about marriage then. In my opinion, as a child whose parents didn't get married before I was born; there is no difference between having two parents who are married or two parents who living together unmarried (without bringing christianity into it).
And even if you do not stay together, you can still be a great parent. And your child will understand that you have another wife/girlfriend; because lots of their friends will be in the same situation.
Hoping all the best for you! I am sure that everything will work out perfectly in the end.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/23/2009 1:31:58 AM
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ForEternity
Posts: 281
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quote:
I will add this. I know people whose parents did marry because they "had to." Yes, there was a man and a woman in the house, and they wore rings. But it was a miserable life, and neither of these people I know EVER want to marry because of the picture of marriage they saw growing up Some do not agree with this,but I believe marriage is about more than sucking it up and doing something. It's about more than "play the hand you were dealt." In a true, loving, healthy marriage, there is practical commitment and love. There is care and respect and conversation. That is what kids need to see.
wow. so well expressed.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 11/23/2009 3:44:38 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2732
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I am in the unhappy place of respectfully disagreeing with some of my brothers and sisters here. Please consider and then decide.
A baby bonds with it's parents in the first few months, and that is in part foundational to future emotional good health. It's better for these people to decide whether to marry or adopt out the baby at birth, so the baby can get on with it's "job" of bonding with whoever it's going to grow up with.
This baby is helpless and needy, and God allows children to be that way. They are to be loved and "filled" by their parents who follow God. It needs to be in its permanent home from birth so it can make a healthy bond, so these people need to decide probably before birth whether their year together has demonstrated that they would like to commit to a lifetime together or give the child into the arms of a married couple who can't have children but would love theirs and give it a good life.
Raising a child without married parents is raising child in diminished circumstances. The law doesn't recognize inheritance between "significant others," and studies show that children in unstable families fare worse in life. Why make the child bear that heavier load and risk? Unmarried couples are uncommitted couples (because they haven't legally committed to stay together for the future, but are holding back and living more in the present).
Being a Christian down through the millennia has not protected people from widowhood, illness, premature death, slavery, crippling injury and so on; making a sinful relationship right before God and working on a marriage that is less than perfect (which describes every marriage on earth) and making it work is not too much to ask. Everyone of us is descended from a long line of people who faced hardships and kept their children alive to continue the generations; we are from pioneers of every sort.
We have all of eternity to live in perfect bliss with God... but how will we spend the few short years of a rough life on earth? It will bring glory to God how we choose. Making a family, giving a child a good upbringing, and dealing with a less than perfect life is a good choice. No one gets a perfect life anyway; why not deal well with whatever is in front of each of us?
It's a marathon. Run well. And God bless it!
< Message edited by deermousie -- 11/23/2009 6:20:01 AM >
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 12/6/2009 7:29:44 PM
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Dopii
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I agree with deermouse (the last post). When I was in my mid-twenties I went through the same dilemma. I almost backed out of marriage. We've been married now for over twenty years, and have been through both good times and bad times. I think I would have been "happier" married to someone else - someone not so quite high-maintenance and moody. But the number one thing you can do as a parent is to lay your hands on your child (children) every single day when they're asleep - even when they are teenagers - and pray for them. If they live with you until their eighteen birthdays, that's over 6,500 prayers with your hands laid on them in the presence of God Almighty. Can you do that if you don't get married?
God be with you, and give you peace.
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 12/10/2009 7:43:36 PM
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willfs
Posts: 467
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I have also dealt with consequences of previous sins. Don't let the consequences you are experiencing make you think things like that God doesn't love you as much or he can't use you or work in you. Those things are not true. God does love you a great deal, he can work in your life and do some great things right now.
My personal opinion on marriage is that just about any two people who are commited to each other can make it work and work very well. She may not be the woman of your dreams but if you both become commited to loving each other and follow through with that commitment you will have a better marriage than like 99% of other marriages.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 12/10/2009 7:47:17 PM
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willfs
Posts: 467
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Yes I agree with Deermousie. If it is at all possible, you should look into marrying. I work in education. I see a big difference between children with both natural parents married to each other and raising the child.... and everything else.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 12/12/2009 9:22:38 AM
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northstar
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I agree with the previous three posters...
_____________________________
Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.
Psalm 122:6
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RE: dealing w/consequence of sin. Need advice - 12/12/2009 9:51:47 AM
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silent12
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Actually studies show that children of parents who married due to pregnancy are 3x more likely to become victims of abuse that children of single parents. They are also more likely to get married.
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