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Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/13/2009 5:33:59 PM
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Fritzpw_Admin
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quote:
Parents, Teens and Sex
Rebecca Hagelin - Author, 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family
We live in a culture that promotes teen sex at every turn.
T-shirts with slogans like "Everyone loves a slutty girl" sort of summarize what teens are up against. Marketers, liberals, and the mass media have reduced sexual activity to little more than an amusing hobby, and made the concept of sexual purity seem backwards and outdated.
Feminist author Naomi Wolf, who seeks to influence this generation of young women writes, "There are no good girls; we are all bad girls, in the best sense of the word." She invites readers to join her in an effort to "explore the shadow slut who walks alongside us." Wolf is just one example of why the new breed of feminism is so dangerous: It argues that women should be able to employ any means to get ahead - even the exploitation and abuse of their bodies.
But statistics that demonstrate the harm caused by such objectifying behavior are endless and alarming. They include a report by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy revealing that the United States has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the Western industrialized world. 3 in 10 young women under the age of 20 will become pregnant at least once. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 48 percent of high school students say they have had intercourse, and fifty percent of new sexually transmitted diseases each year are in youth ages 15-25.
And here's the clincher: studies show that a sea of teenagers are living with regret. 55 percent of the boys and 70 percent of the girls who had sex now say they wish they had not.
Read the rest of Parents, Teens and Sex
Have you addressed the topic of sex with your teen?
What helped you?
_____________________________
Fred "Fritz" Alberti
Director of Social Media
fritz@salemwebnetwork.com
Read today's Bible verse from my favorite online Bible
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/15/2009 10:29:04 PM
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Kath
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quote:
Have you addressed the topic of sex with your teen?
Yes, we have talked about it off and on for years.
quote:
What helped you?
Well, it helps because she is a girl. It was harder talking to the boys, but my husband didn't want to do it.
I have really just been open with her since she was young. When one of my boys dated a girl with a past, she could see how it affected him, and we would talk about that. She hears one of her friends bragging about sex with every boy she's dated, and we've talked about that. She could see the difference in them once they did and it really bothered her.
She has pledged to remain pure till she is married, and has talked to her boyfriend about it. She has seen the destruction and understands the Lord is protecting her with the rules He has laid out about it.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/15/2009 11:37:31 PM
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aprilshowers12
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I have talked to all 3 of my kids about sex. Talking to my daughter was certainly easier. I have told my son that even though talking to him sometimes makes me uncomfortable I am never embarrased to answer his questions. His dad travels a lot, sometimes I am the only parent he has available to answer those questions, I never want him to think I am too embarrassed to answer his questions. We have laughed over a couple.
Neither of my older kids are interested in dating yet at 13 and 14 and both have made purity commitments. The younger one is only 8 and we talk to her on her level as things arise.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 9:53:51 AM
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DaveW
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I think OneOfHisJewels has a good point. A lot of false claims are made (they were made back in my day as well). I think this goes hand-in-hand with the false claims of salvation: "Just trust in Jesus and ALL your troubles will go away." We have a tendancy to look at everything in very simple terms and refuse to look at the complexity and nuance of life. We deny reality. In one sense that is living and promoting a lie.
Is morality important? Absolutely.
Is remaining a virgin to the wedding altar good? YES!!!!!
Is it the end of the world if you do not? No.
As important as remaining a virgin is, IMO it is even MORE important HOW you accomplish that. Just giving someone a difficult goal and no real practical tools to do that sets up one for failure or a kind of success that can be deadly later on.
My wife and I got nothing except "don't do that" from parents, relatives, church etc. She responded by equating her desires with anger. I had other not-so-good ways of dealing. It had a very negative impact on our married life for over 2 decades.
With our kids, my wife wanted to talk to the girls and for me to talk to the boy. I did talk to him, but he slipped up during a time of not following the Lord. She did not speak to the girls at all, and even the one who was following the Lord messed up really bad.
They all recovered from their mistakes (sins) and all except one are actively following the Lord now.
What everyone; parents, church youth group leaders, pastors; are uncormfortable with is giving young people something concerete that works in dealing with the very real intensity of desire and curiosity. If you do not do that, you will not have a good result very often. They also need to admit that the desires are primarily from normal and natural hormonal responses and NOT just from illicit activity (fantasy, porn, etc)
They are also not comfortable understanding that every individual is just that - an individual. What works for Sam (or Sue) who has a lower than normal testosterone level may not work for Joe (or Jane) who has a much higher level. And that does not account for what each young person has heard, seen, thought of on their own, etc.
These NEED to be discussed, in detail. To not do so in a positive redemptive way is sinful and criminal in my opinion.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 12:13:53 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
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quote:
Anyway, all that to say we do not let the schools lead in our parenting.
My parents didn't either....but you know how it is..at that age you want to believe others over your parents...
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 1:16:39 PM
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aprilshowers12
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quote:
They are also not comfortable understanding that every individual is just that - an individual. What works for Sam (or Sue) who has a lower than normal testosterone level may not work for Joe (or Jane) who has a much higher level. And that does not account for what each young person has heard, seen, thought of on their own, etc.
This is so true. What has worked with my oldest daughter is definately not going to work with our youngest. They are like night and day. Our youngest is only 8 and is pushing limits with the rules already. She questions everything in ways that the older kids never did, if there is a line drawn she will put her little toe right up to the line. We wonder if it is because of the age gap, they are 14 and 13, so she is seeing them have freedoms that she doesn't have. The way she is parented is different because of this.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 1:29:03 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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quote:
I think the emphasis for kids needs to be Godliness overall, which includes this...but it's not the centerpiece of chrisitanity. And those who do stumble need to know that they can repent and be given grace. I think when parents are encouraging their kids to wait for marriage, at the same time their kids need to be reassured that they won't be disowned if they do stumble or thrown out on the streets if they do get pregnant.
Jewels, this is a very wise thing to say. Thank you.
_____________________________
Karen
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 8:30:54 PM
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DNP
Posts: 796
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
"Just trust in Jesus and ALL your troubles will go away." We have a tendancy to look at everything in very simple terms and refuse to look at the complexity and nuance of life. We deny reality. In one sense that is living and promoting a lie.
What everyone; parents, church youth group leaders, pastors; are uncormfortable with is giving young people something concerete that works in dealing with the very real intensity of desire and curiosity. If you do not do that, you will not have a good result very often. They also need to admit that the desires are primarily from normal and natural hormonal responses and NOT just from illicit activity (fantasy, porn, etc)
They are also not comfortable understanding that every individual is just that - an individual. What works for Sam (or Sue) who has a lower than normal testosterone level may not work for Joe (or Jane) who has a much higher level. And that does not account for what each young person has heard, seen, thought of on their own, etc.
These NEED to be discussed, in detail. To not do so in a positive redemptive way is sinful and criminal in my opinion.
I feel the same way. Though when I have expressed these ideas it does not seem to be too politically correct among some. I don't see teenage/premarital desire as caused by Satan. I see it as primarily a biological issue, with spiritual consequences. As proof, it has been demonstrated time after time that when a a spouse has certain severe hormonal imbalances they often are not interested in intimacy. Conversely, increase hormone levels too high and that same person may become sexually compulsive.
So with teenagers and single adults the problem once again is hormonal/biological. Desires are happening way too early; before mental, physical and spiritual maturity. It's as if the human body is functioning in an non-ideal way and is hormonally out-of-sync with itself. 20-50 years from now I am sure we will have an over-the-counter Sexual Depressant pill. With already have treatments for anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, low hormonal levels, schizophrenia, etc.
Men and women already have treatments to increase desire/temptation. Why can't we do the inverse and have medication to decrease desire/temptation?
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/16/2009 9:13:39 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
quote:
I think the emphasis for kids needs to be Godliness overall, which includes this...but it's not the centerpiece of chrisitanity. And those who do stumble need to know that they can repent and be given grace. I think when parents are encouraging their kids to wait for marriage, at the same time their kids need to be reassured that they won't be disowned if they do stumble or thrown out on the streets if they do get pregnant.
Jewels, this is a very wise thing to say. Thank you.
Thank you, surpassing peace. That means a lot to me that you would say that. And thank you DaveW and coolfamily for what you said too. Oh, and great wedding picure Dave..that's your dau.(one of them) and son in law, right? Or maybe it's the son and dau. in law..I remember the 2 weddings were not too far apart in time.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 11/16/2009 9:25:21 PM >
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 7:04:36 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4124
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Oh, and great wedding picure Dave..that's your dau.(one of them) and son in law, right? Or maybe it's the son and dau. in law..I remember the 2 weddings were not too far apart in time. That is my youngest daughter Laura. She and David got married 2 months ago, and the boy (our youngest) gets married a month from this Friday.
Our 2 older daughters have been married for a while.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 7:08:52 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
it amazes me to hear good involved parents say I am letting the teachers handle "that" topic on so many subjects because they are too embarassed to deal with certain things.
Some are too embaressed.
Some blew it as teens themselves and feel they have nothing to say.
Some think the schools or churches have a better handle on the subject matter.
Some just want to enforce ignorance, based on the faulty assumption that teens cannot desire what they do not know about.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 7:31:27 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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It's something that we talk about when it comes up, which is pretty often. Especially with my 16 yr old daughter. I've tried to steer a sane and rational course between the real consequences of not remaining pure and the extreme of giving her the idea that sex=sin period. I've seen Christian women who had this so drummed into their heads that they were unable to think any other way even after they got married. I don't want her to be damaged like that.
I've also seen how so many Christians, perhaps unconsciously, think that sexual sin is the worst sin and the bizarre amount of condemnation that accompanies that thinking. So I try to make it clear that God created sex in marriage for our good and when we take that gift and abuse it we hurt ourselves but also deal with the reality all around her that kids are doing just that. When we talk about her friends who are sexually active, I always express sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 11:06:18 AM
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DNP
Posts: 796
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
It's something that we talk about when it comes up, which is pretty often. Especially with my 16 yr old daughter. I've tried to steer a sane and rational course between the real consequences of not remaining pure and the extreme of giving her the idea that sex=sin period. I've seen Christian women who had this so drummed into their heads that they were unable to think any other way even after they got married. I don't want her to be damaged like that.
The Christian men are very damaged as well from the sex=sin philosophy you mentioned. Why do you think so many of them don't ask Christian women, or any women, out on dates. Oh they believe being with a woman alone is wrong and can lead to temptation. Many of them are very awkward around women. IMO, sadly it seems, the more Men's Seminars these guys go to and the more male oriented books they read the more broken down they become. I know so brothers guys who are in their 30's that never asked a woman out!
quote:
I've also seen how so many Christians, perhaps unconsciously, think that sexual sin is the worst sin and the bizarre amount of condemnation that accompanies that thinking. So I try to make it clear that God created sex in marriage for our good and when we take that gift and abuse it we hurt ourselves but also deal with the reality all around her that kids are doing just that. When we talk about her friends who are sexually active, I always express sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened.
CoeurdeLeon, I wish more parents were as balanced as you are. If you are not already, perhaps you should then about teaching the youth in your church.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 12:42:30 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17761
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quote:
I've tried to steer a sane and rational course between the real consequences of not remaining pure and the extreme of giving her the idea that sex=sin period. I've seen Christian women who had this so drummed into their heads that they were unable to think any other way even after they got married. I don't want her to be damaged like that.
Exactly.
quote:
So I try to make it clear that God created sex in marriage for our good and when we take that gift and abuse it we hurt ourselves but also deal with the reality all around her that kids are doing just that. When we talk about her friends who are sexually active, I always express sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened.
That is pretty much how our conversations go, too.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 1:05:07 PM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
It's something that we talk about when it comes up, which is pretty often. Especially with my 16 yr old daughter. That is rare and very good.quote:
I've tried to steer a sane and rational course between the real consequences of not remaining pure and the extreme of giving her the idea that sex=sin period. I've seen Christian women who had this so drummed into their heads that they were unable to think any other way even after they got married. I don't want her to be damaged like that. I am sure that she and her future husband will thank you immensly!quote:
I've also seen how so many Christians, perhaps unconsciously, think that sexual sin is the worst sin and the bizarre amount of condemnation that accompanies that thinking. ... sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened. I think that is a much better response to sin than smug self rightous condemnation. Isn't condemnation the devil's job?? Why would we want to do his job for him?
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 1:10:47 PM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
The Christian men are very damaged as well from the sex=sin philosophy you mentioned. Why do you think so many of them don't ask Christian women, or any women, out on dates. Oh they believe being with a woman alone is wrong and can lead to temptation. Many of them are very awkward around women. ... I know so brothers guys who are in their 30's that never asked a woman out! If God had not spoken to me in an audible voice, I would probably still have only went out a very few times. (at age 54) Part of the reason was I decided that I would not marry due to so many divorces in my family. The other part was I was afraid if I ever got close to a girl I would be taken over by hormones and desires and get us both into big trouble.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 11/17/2009 1:17:10 PM >
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 2:01:48 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
Posts: 2441
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Oh, and great wedding picure Dave..that's your dau.(one of them) and son in law, right? Or maybe it's the son and dau. in law..I remember the 2 weddings were not too far apart in time. That is my youngest daughter Laura. She and David got married 2 months ago, and the boy (our youngest) gets married a month from this Friday.
Our 2 older daughters have been married for a while.
I'm glad I got it right! 
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 5:43:45 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
It's something that we talk about when it comes up, which is pretty often. Especially with my 16 yr old daughter. I've tried to steer a sane and rational course between the real consequences of not remaining pure and the extreme of giving her the idea that sex=sin period. I've seen Christian women who had this so drummed into their heads that they were unable to think any other way even after they got married. I don't want her to be damaged like that.
The Christian men are very damaged as well from the sex=sin philosophy you mentioned. Why do you think so many of them don't ask Christian women, or any women, out on dates. Oh they believe being with a woman alone is wrong and can lead to temptation. Many of them are very awkward around women. IMO, sadly it seems, the more Men's Seminars these guys go to and the more male oriented books they read the more broken down they become. I know so brothers guys who are in their 30's that never asked a woman out!
I totally believe you. I think the church in general has a very warped view of sex and that it has damaged and is damaging many people of both sexes.
quote:
quote:
I've also seen how so many Christians, perhaps unconsciously, think that sexual sin is the worst sin and the bizarre amount of condemnation that accompanies that thinking. So I try to make it clear that God created sex in marriage for our good and when we take that gift and abuse it we hurt ourselves but also deal with the reality all around her that kids are doing just that. When we talk about her friends who are sexually active, I always express sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened.
CoeurdeLeon, I wish more parents were as balanced as you are. If you are not already, perhaps you should then about teaching the youth in your church.
I sincerely thank you. I've never been told that before. I will consider it. 
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 5:58:45 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4306
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
I think that is a much better response to sin than smug self rightous condemnation. Isn't condemnation the devil's job?? Why would we want to do his job for him?
Good heavens, I never even thought of it that way. You are so right.
Seriously, how can we expect to be part of the restoration of someone when we, as you say, smugly and self-righteously condemn? What good is that? And who among us has not failed? Can we not we not understand and empathize with anyone who falls?
I employ, for the most part, teenage girls and have for the past 22 years. I've had girls get pregnant and feel that they absolutely could not tell their parents. With the inevitable results. Failing my children in that way, so that if/when they most need help and guidance they would be too afraid to come to me, would make me unworthy of them. I would have failed them and failed God who entrusted them to me.
quote:
I am sure that she and her future husband will thank you immensly!
I hope he doesn't verbalize it to me! There are limits to my balance! 
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/17/2009 9:09:11 PM
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DNP
Posts: 796
Joined: 5/30/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
If God had not spoken to me in an audible voice, I would probably still have only went out a very few times. (at age 54) Part of the reason was I decided that I would not marry due to so many divorces in my family. The other part was I was afraid if I ever got close to a girl I would be taken over by hormones and desires and get us both into big trouble.
DaveW, you were one of the fortunate ones because many times God does not speak to people in an audible voice. Why did you feel the way you did in the first place? Was it church, parents, both?
The really weird thing is that those who preach most about the "design flaw" of human biology (sexual desire-awareness-temptation) are the same ones who keep saying men should be the pursers, take risks and find a wife. By sending such contradicting signals the following is more likely to happen:
1) The constant association between sex and sin.
2) The feeling that natural sexual attraction is bad, requiring prayer to stop it. These guys never go on dates.
3) Guys stating they want to marry on the first few dates. Causing the woman/girl to feel very pressured.
4) Guys making up excuses to not go out with women. Saying things such as "I am in to courtship" while never asking a woman out directly. They talk to the pastor and the girl/woman's parent(s)but not too her. The guy doesn't realize that most women hate people going behind their backs.
5) Guys stating that, "they are waiting for God to show them a wife". Guess what, the Church may have a male to female ratio of 1-to-20 yet these guys keep waiting, and waiting and...
6) Actually increasing the chances of finding sexual outlets such as porn.
7) Increase the chance of living a double-life. Saint in the Church while looking for illicit sex in the world.
8) If a brother does actually stumble he is likely to leave the church and religion altogether as opposed to facing the wrath and condemnation of the church. Church people may or may not want to associate with him anymore.
9) Negative sexual feelings can transfer very deep in to marriage causing decades of problems.
Of course I am writing from a man's perspective because I have seen all of this first hand, primarily in mens' groups. You Sisters probably have much better insight on what you all have experienced on your side. I have seen some of it but don't want to comment on it right now. My point is negativity causes a great deal of problems. I commend all you parents who have avoided it when educating their children.
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RE: Parents, Teens and Sex - 11/18/2009 1:10:20 AM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 2918
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
I've also seen how so many Christians, perhaps unconsciously, think that sexual sin is the worst sin and the bizarre amount of condemnation that accompanies that thinking. So I try to make it clear that God created sex in marriage for our good and when we take that gift and abuse it we hurt ourselves but also deal with the reality all around her that kids are doing just that. When we talk about her friends who are sexually active, I always express sincere sorrow for those girls who value themselves so little and give themselves away so cheaply. She knows that I believe what I've told her because I do not condemn but rather am deeply saddened.
My parents took a similar approach. I thought it was very balanced and appropriate, I hope that I can someday teach my own children about the beauty of sex within marriage and the issues that sex outside of marriage can create.
My own parents struck a wonderful balance of sex before marriage=sin and sex within marriage=gift from our creator.
Now, I did still have sex outside of marriage(although not with my husband), and I did get pregnant out of wedlock. It was hard to tell my parents, but I never felt anything but loved and accepted despite my flaws. BUT... I don't think this was primarily due to their candor about sex, but to the way they raised us kids in general. It was always made very clear that they would love us no matter what happened, and no matter what mistakes we may have made. Knowing this made it much easier to come to them with serious problems(pregnancy, threatened suicide of a boyfriend, etc...).
_____________________________
Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
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And my shock when I realized some spouses who had made that mistake treated one another well, and some who hadn't treated each other poorly. Don't get me wrong, I very much believe in purity before marriage, but they shouldn't have gone around making us promises about our future when only God knows our future. 
I think the emphasis for kids needs to be Godliness overall, which includes this...but it's not the centerpiece of chrisitanity. And those who do stumble need to know that they can repent and be given grace. I think when parents are encouraging their kids to wait for marriage, at the same time their kids need to be reassured that they won't be disowned if they do stumble or thrown out on the streets if they do get pregnant.
Let freedom ring...let the whole world sing...it's independence day!!!! 
