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RE: prodigal estranged daughter

 
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RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:40:54 AM   
allensak9

 

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I don't know her address exactly (i.e. street number, or apt. # they live over a store front next town over there are no #'s on the building), I've been told NEVER to step foot at their apt again, via my SIL, when I did go there, he called the police.

I guess I could leave it at the bank where she works and hope someone gives it to her, only thing there is, she is a floater at three different banks so unless I drive around town and look for car, I don't know which branch she is at on any given day. I could just drive around town. I wonder if she'll see the gift giving as annoying? or if her husband will let her keep it. Last time I tried to give her food at her apt., her brought it back and left it on our porch

k
Post #: 51
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:42:47 AM   
manda59


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allensak9
so her birthday is friday, I bought her a present on the advice of a friend, she told me not to ignore it.

I called and left a message that I have a gift for her, I told her to let me know how when she wanted me to bring it to her, of course she hasn't returned my call nor left me any message, I am assuming she doesn't want it...



Or that she doesn't want to risk an emotionally-charged confrontation on her birthday?

Help me out here, talk me through this: why have you bought her a present? What are you hoping to achieve by doing so? Is it to try and manipulate her into seeing you, or is it to show her that you care? I hope it's the latter - in which case, I agree with the others, why not just mail it?

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Post #: 52
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:43:25 AM   
laura...


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I am standing in complete agreement with everything that Deermousie has posted.

How to deal with the estrangement:

* Pray for her continually
* Send her cards when you feel like doing so
* Mail her birthday gift to her
* Pray for her
* Wait on the Lord to restore

Sooner or later God is going to deal with her sin and her estrangement from Him. You need to give her lots of space so that God can deal with her.

_____________________________

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4

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Post #: 53
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:44:33 AM   
crankius


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quote:

I guess I could leave it at the bank where she works and hope someone gives it to her, only thing there is, she is a floater at three different banks so unless I drive around town and look for car, I don't know which branch she is at on any given day. I could just drive around town. I wonder if she'll see the gift giving as annoying? or if her husband will let her keep it. Last time I tried to give her food at her apt., her brought it back and left it on our porch


She clearly doesn't view things from you as an act of kindness. Your acts are an irritation to her right now.

_____________________________

Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16

God's Attributes
Post #: 54
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:45:21 AM   
laura...


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quote:

I wonder if she'll see the gift giving as annoying? or if her husband will let her keep it. Last time I tried to give her food at her apt., her brought it back and left it on our porch


Correction: Don't mail her the gift. She probably doesn't want it and/or it could cause major problems for her with her husband.

Pray for her.

_____________________________

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4

Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
Post #: 55
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 11:49:17 AM   
laura...


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Have you considered the possibility that your daughter is in an abusive marriage with a man who is isolating her from her family? If that is the case, you need to keep your distance while somehow letting her know that you will be there if/when she needs you. Pray for your daughter.

_____________________________

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4

Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
Post #: 56
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 12:09:38 PM   
bolt.

 

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By giving someone a gift, the object then becomes their property to do with as they like.

If your daughter wants it she will keep it. If she does not, she will not. If (IF!) her husband is a bully, she may or may not give the gift up to him, in which case it becomes his property to do with as he likes. If her husband exerts ordinary influence in life together with his wife, he and she might together decide what to do about the gift, and either of them might take on the task of doing whatever they have decided.

SO WHAT?

It's a gift. Give it and be done.

If it's not possible to give the gift while respecting your daughter's personal boundaries, return it and don't worry about not doing something that was not possible to do.

And if you don't know their address, might I respectfully suggest looking in a phone book? If not for them, for the name of the store in the store-front that they live above. Or you could use a delivery service that is able to understand verbal instructions. You could also find her car, and simply leave it on the car. I don't recommend intruding on her place of work.

_____________________________

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Post #: 57
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 12:13:52 PM   
stampinlady


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quote:

Wait on the Lord to restore


I would stay away completly with no communication at all and just pray. I can't imagine doing this to my children, but sometimes it's necessary for the healing to begin. IMo, all your posts sound like you want to come right in and fix what's been broke for years and life doesn't work that way. First and formost you need to appolgize to her when you start communicating.

_____________________________

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There is no "cosmic dog whislte. It's gonna be loud folks !!!
Post #: 58
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 12:57:38 PM   
deermousie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Stop this. You knew before you bought her the present she wasn't going to respond. Why are you setting yourself up for rejection?

Pray for her...that is all you should be doing right now. Once again, "Cease striving and know that He is God."


I'm afraid I must agree with this, Allensak. Stop being a target so she can shoot you down again and again. You're going to have to wait for God to do something in her because she is set in full-rejection mode now and I don't see there's anything you can do except be a target, and that's not healthy or helping either of you.

Let her be. Pray your broken heart out. Get on with your life: your other children need you more than ever. Look out for their needs, and look to God to meet yours. Your life needs to be centered in your house. She insists on going; let her go.

You know why she's doing this: she's been swallowed alive by her sin. Somewhere along the line she probably chose to sin sexually (which she knew was wrong), and instead of responding to conviction from God, she chose to sin and lie about it. It's a spiritual battle, and right now she hates God and she'll hate anyone who reminds her of God. She's a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate. Step back and let God work on her.

"Hold on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith." 1 Tim. 1:19

This verse tells us that when we lose our good conscience (rejecting conviction about our sin and refusing to stop the sin) that we then shipwreck our faith. It sure looks like this is what your daughter did. You can't do a thing about it but God can, so rely on Him and you go take care of your children. They are hurting, too, and need you.

God bless you, dear Sister, in this hard time. It won't always be like this; only God's Word lasts forever.

quote:

Laura:
Have you considered the possibility that your daughter is in an abusive marriage with a man who is isolating her from her family?


Oh... good point. Her sin may be playing off of his sin, and she could be going along with it. That would be a trap, too, if that is what is happening. Again, you'd have to wait until she was willing to get out of it; God's in charge of that, too. Either way, wait on God, and take care of what God has left in your responsibility: your other children.

And don't bother sending her gifts; she's just getting more hysterical about it.

< Message edited by deermousie -- 2/1/2010 1:28:42 PM >


_____________________________

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Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.

Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
Post #: 59
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 1:19:52 PM   
W.O.F.


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quote:

ORIGINAL: bolt.


And if you don't know their address, might I respectfully suggest looking in a phone book? If not for them, for the name of the store in the store-front that they live above. Or you could use a delivery service that is able to understand verbal instructions. You could also find her car, and simply leave it on the car. I don't recommend intruding on her place of work.
or look them up on whitepages.com

_____________________________

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
Post #: 60
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 1:31:04 PM   
Hislittleone


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quote:

I have no confidence in my ability to have normal interpersonal relationships, I mess them all up.


Have you received any counseling to help you develop skills that would fix this? Going to a good counselor would help you to work through the grief of what's happening with your daughter and it would help you to be better at maintaining all your interpersonal relationships. I highly recommend it.

I also agree that it would be best to leave your daughter alone for now. If you had a way to mail a gift that would be ok as long as you didn't include a note other than "Happy Birthday and we love you" like another poster mentioned. More than that and it could just fan the flames if you know what I mean.

_____________________________

Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Post #: 61
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 1:36:19 PM   
Sideways


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quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie
right now she hates God and she'll hate anyone who reminds her of God. She's a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate.


Well, that's a little strong I think. There's been sin on both sides of the camp, and all the OP can do is focus on her own actions and character and pray a lot. I agree that the OP could use a good counselor to work on how she deals with relationships.

I agree that stepping back is the best approach. Mailing the gift isn't a bad idea, though. It lets her know that she's still in your heart, without pressure to communicate. It's a little thing that may sow a seed.

_____________________________

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Post #: 62
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 1:41:42 PM   
Brandy


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Back off. She has asked you to not contact her and you keep doing so. You need to respect her right to limit who she has contact to.

Don't mail the gift. If you can get address from SIL mail and birthday card. Sign it from "Mom, Dad and girls" and leave it at that.

Stop pursuing her, it's not going to help and only lengthen out the amount of time she needs/wants to cool off.

And accept that it may never happen. She may never want to reconcile with you.

The above is what you asked for, advice on how to deal with an estrangement.

Reading diaries and journals when left open is one thing, skim it and close it, reading them over and over and using that info against her is awful. My mother did that. I stopped using a journal for life. I don't trust anyone not to read my personal thoughts and use them against me.

_____________________________

~Brandy


Our world of us.
Post #: 63
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 2:14:11 PM   
Hislittleone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie
right now she hates God and she'll hate anyone who reminds her of God. She's a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate.


Well, that's a little strong I think. There's been sin on both sides of the camp, and all the OP can do is focus on her own actions and character and pray a lot. I agree that the OP could use a good counselor to work on how she deals with relationships.

I agree that stepping back is the best approach. Mailing the gift isn't a bad idea, though. It lets her know that she's still in your heart, without pressure to communicate. It's a little thing that may sow a seed.


I agree. It's key to let her know you love her with no strings attached (if and when you find it possible).

We surely can't know whether this girl is godless or hateful. It sounds like some time has passed since all this happened so how do we know what is in her heart now? How do we know she hasn't repented? We don't. Sometimes Christians rebel for whatever reason but I wouldn't say that means they hate God or a lot of the other things that were said about this girl. I rebelled for years but I didn't hate God. I was more like a whirling tornado of grief and pain. Perhaps that is more of what this girl is rather than a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate.

She did some things that were wrong as did the mother. Adult child-parent relationships can be very complex and difficult to maintain. If you have a child who is hurt, angry, in rebellion, and a parent who isn't good at interpersonal relationships it is a recipe for disaster. No parent is perfect and when our children are adults we sometimes have to face the consequences of our mistakes. It's good to be humble, willing to apologize, and eager to right the wrong if possible. The adult child, OTOH, needs to learn how to forgive, be gracious, and be respectful towards their parents.

I've faced this in my own relationship with my mother and it wasn't easy. It's taken years but I think we are finally getting to a good place. It's taken lots of work and lots of forgiveness on both sides.

To the OP: I hope you are able to reconcile with your daughter one day. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child like this. I do know the pain of being separated from my mother and it was hard. So for both your sakes, I hope you two can work this out.

_____________________________

Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Post #: 64
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 2:22:56 PM   
Memaw.


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quote:

We surely can't know whether this girl is godless or hateful. It sounds like some time has passed since all this happened so how do we know what is in her heart now? How do we know she hasn't repented? We don't. Sometimes Christians rebel for whatever reason but I wouldn't say that means they hate God or a lot of the other things that were said about this girl. I rebelled for years but I didn't hate God. I was more like a whirling tornado of grief and pain. Perhaps that is more of what this girl is rather than a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate.

I agree with this.

There have been some very harsh words used against this young woman who is NOT here to give her side of the story or defend herself.

If there is to be any healing in this relationship, the first thing is to stop using negative thoughts and words about this daughter.

_____________________________

~Kim

Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry: God never blinks.
Post #: 65
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 2:52:25 PM   
Kat_D


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Memaw.

quote:

We surely can't know whether this girl is godless or hateful. It sounds like some time has passed since all this happened so how do we know what is in her heart now? How do we know she hasn't repented? We don't. Sometimes Christians rebel for whatever reason but I wouldn't say that means they hate God or a lot of the other things that were said about this girl. I rebelled for years but I didn't hate God. I was more like a whirling tornado of grief and pain. Perhaps that is more of what this girl is rather than a whirling tornado of godlessness and hate.

I agree with this.

There have been some very harsh words used against this young woman who is NOT here to give her side of the story or defend herself.

If there is to be any healing in this relationship, the first thing is to stop using negative thoughts and words about this daughter.


I am in complete agreement.

Someone actually referred to her as a "rabid dog".

_____________________________

~Kat

"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
Post #: 66
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 3:07:05 PM   
sen10tious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allensak9

Well, it appears that the general concensus here is that I'm a bad mother and deserve this estrangement from my daughter, with the exception of Deermousie.



That is not true. I made an observation that your daughter is not in a place where she can deal with you now. I neither think nor said that you deserve estrangement. I suggested that you refocus on things you can change.

I gave a link: http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/generational_curses.php

I wanted you to check it out you you could see if this sounds like it might apply in your case:
It is possible for demon(ic influences) to enter a child before he accepts Jesus, then remain dormant or hidden in that child's life until some time later in his or her life when it manifests (or makes itself known). Sometimes when a person heads for the ministry, it seems like the devil kicks up his ugly heels and causes havoc for that person.

If your daugher had contact with your parents when she was very small, it is a possibility.

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post #: 67
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 3:08:59 PM   
2jsmom


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quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...

Have you considered the possibility that your daughter is in an abusive marriage with a man who is isolating her from her family? If that is the case, you need to keep your distance while somehow letting her know that you will be there if/when she needs you. Pray for your daughter.

This was my feeling too. With the limited information we've been given, a lot of red flags are popping up.
Post #: 68
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 3:47:10 PM   
becomingwhole

 

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I have read this whole thread, and wanted to comment...

I know it must hurt to find yourself in this situation, but only God knows your daughter's heart as well as your son in laws. I do understand some of your points you have made about her sin, but truthfully we all sin, and it is up to God to convict our hearts.. I heard a pastor once, that said no one can lead somebody to repentance, only the spirit of God can..

that statement set me free.. I quit worrying about the sin of my x husband at the time, the family members who has hurt me, and really began to see that the only one I could ever work on was me...

I understand walking away from a situation that one perceives as painful whether that person is right or not.. I am the type of person that can walk away from almost anything no matter how much I once loved...

Your daughter is allowed to feel what she does, and decide to never see you again.. it is both the beauty and ugliness of free will... God sees everyday in his children... and yet he loves us all still...

Love her from a far.. do not push.. my life has been one of joy and pain, and I am happy to say I have seen God restore many relationships in my life.. I would love to say that I did it, or this is one thing you could do, but the truth is that it was all God and in his timing..

I remarried my xhusband, I have relationship with my dad.. who when I was 14 I told him if ever touched me again I would kill him, and meant every word, 22 years later he is an amazing Grandfather... God's timing.. not ours!!!

My daughter who is almost 11 is going through something right now at school it is not terrible but a major life lesson.. I hope she follows the advice I gave her, but the truth is I can't live her life... and I told her that.. I talked to her about God's way, offered my wisdom, and now I wait ... to see... knowing God has plan and purpose and he does not need my help ... just my faith..
Post #: 69
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 3:58:18 PM   
allensak9

 

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someone asked me, why I bought the gift,

I mentioned I did it on the advice of a friend who told me to, that ignoring her birthday is wrong,

But I think that she wants me to ignore it and her completely
Post #: 70
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 4:34:09 PM   
cynthia


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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allensak9

someone asked me, why I bought the gift,

I mentioned I did it on the advice of a friend who told me to, that ignoring her birthday is wrong,

But I think that she wants me to ignore it and her completely


She told you she doesn't want to have anything to do with you and not to contact her. Believe her.
If you have to find her car or her address or whatever to get something to her, that is getting awfully close to stalking. Let the Holy Spirit move. Have faith that the Lord hears your prayers and is working in your daughter and son-in-law's lives.
Forgive your daughter. Forgive your son in law. Pray for them daily and do not dwell on them or the troubles you are having with them. Pray for them and leave it at that. Ask the Lord to transform you by the renewing of your mind. If you think you are having trouble in relationships, that is the enemy at work in your life. The Lord is all about relationships. Relationships are so important to Him that He died to have one with us.

1 Peter 5:6-11
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

The be sober and vigilant part is about keeping your wits about you and not being overcome with emotion when things are not as they should be. Surely things are not as they should be in your family, but getting all worked up over it and trying to solve it is not the way. The way to peace is:
1. Humble yourself before God. That means knowing that you do not have the power or the answers on your own, but God does.
2. Give your burdens (cares, anxiety) over to the Lord.
3. Look to the Lord and remain faithful to letting Him work.
4. Resist the devil. Do not get sucked into him traps. Your daughter has been used as an instrument of the enemy in your life and you have been falling into the devil’s traps. In order for things to improve in your life and in her life and hopefully in your relationship, you are going to have to resist the devil and not get sucked into manipulation.
5. Let the Lord settle you; give you peace. Let Him work.

You can apply these principles in prayer. They are listed throughout scripture:
• Humble yourself before God. This means to know that He is in charge and can handle it. Make Him Lord of every part of your life, including your pain. Praise Him and give Him worship.
• Give your burdens to the Lord. You can say, “Lord I give my relationship with my daughter to you.”
• Resist the enemy. You can say, “In Jesus name, I reject the enemy’s interference in a healthy relationship with my daughter and command him to leave.”
• Fill that place with the Lord. Ask Him to fill your relationship with your daughter with healing and peace.

You can use these steps to pray for anything. It is part of how we fight the spiritual battle.

I also agree with some comments about generational bondage, but do not believe it only applies to something that happens before one becomes a believer. Spiritual bondage or strongholds can happen to anyone, at anytime, believer or otherwise. If you read Ephesians 6:10-18, it gives us a list of how we are protected by spiritual armor and what our spiritual weapon is. If we do not have the armor of God, we leave ourselves open to the onslaught of the enemy. If we do not walk in peace or if we do not have our faith active, we are vulnerable to the enemy. When the enemy attacks, if we receive a lie into our lives, that becomes a stronghold and can be something that we pass down to the next generation. Your daughter may have issues that were passed down, but with her sins, she has opened herself up to the enemy for bondage and strongholds to form.
In your prayers for your daughter, you can use the prayer steps listed above to pray for your daughter. Rather than asking the Lord to take something from you, you can stand in the gap for your daughter and pray over her for specific areas and rebuke the enemy over her life. Make sure you ask the Lord to fill her with someone of Him. The scripture speaks of leaving vulnerable areas open and how the enemy sneaks in, so it is important to remember to ask the Lord for something of Him when we have asked Him to take something away.

_____________________________

Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
Post #: 71
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 4:40:43 PM   
allensak9

 

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half of you say give it, half of you say don't give it. If I give it, I may make her mad cuz she'll think I"m "stalking" or trying to bribe her" (when I brought the food to her, her then boyfriend talked her into believing it was a bribe), But if I don't give it to her, she'll hold it against me that I ignored her b'day. I lose either way like Deermousie says, she'll look for any reason to accuse me these days.
Post #: 72
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 4:44:28 PM   
laura...


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allensak9

half of you say give it, half of you say don't give it. If I give it, I may make her mad cuz she'll think I"m "stalking" or trying to bribe her" (when I brought the food to her, her then boyfriend talked her into believing it was a bribe), But if I don't give it to her, she'll hold it against me that I ignored her b'day. I lose either way like Deermousie says, she'll look for any reason to accuse me these days.


You called her and left her a message that you have a gift for her. If she calls you back and arranges for you to give her the gift, give it to her. If she doesn't, don't give it to her.

_____________________________

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4

Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
Post #: 73
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 4:52:14 PM   
cynthia


Posts: 7748
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allensak9

half of you say give it, half of you say don't give it. If I give it, I may make her mad cuz she'll think I"m "stalking" or trying to bribe her" (when I brought the food to her, her then boyfriend talked her into believing it was a bribe), But if I don't give it to her, she'll hold it against me that I ignored her b'day. I lose either way like Deermousie says, she'll look for any reason to accuse me these days.

This is not about winning or losing. This is about setting healthy boundaries. This is something that is of extreme importance that you learn asap. You are not in a war (winner, loser) with your daughter. You are in a war with Satan and his forces. The Bible gives instructions on how to fight this battle. Please learn how to fight a spiritual battle by covering yourself with the armor of God, using the sword of the spirit against the enemy and learning how the Bible teaches us to pray for yourself and others.

Contacting your daughter at this time is unhealthy. She has done everything she can to avoid you and ignore you. Let her. You cannot control her. If you don't send her a birthday gift, that doesn't mean you forgot her birthday. It means that you are honoring her request that you leave her alone.

The behavior you have described of your daughter is terrible, but that doesn't mean you should do anything physically to try to change her. There is tremendous power in prayer. Put up your shield of faith.

_____________________________

Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
Post #: 74
RE: prodigal estranged daughter - 2/1/2010 5:30:44 PM   
deermousie


Posts: 2692
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Someone actually referred to her as a "rabid dog".


OK, I'll deal with this.

I used strong emotional imagery, and emotions should be kept out of a rational discussion. I repent of being emotional and name calling instead of just calling things what they are factually. She isn't a dog, she doesn't have rabies. Forgive me please, Allensak's daughter.

_____________________________

People died to give you the Bible in your language.

Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.

Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
Post #: 75
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